


Hot Mess™

by death_by_asphixiation



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Agender Peggy, Alex makes great huevos rancheros, Blood, Drama, Everyone is so gay I love it, F/F, FUCK John Adams, Gambling, I don't know how weddings work, I might change the rating, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Main ship is Alex/John/Laf/Herc/Eliza/Burr, Modern AU, More angst, Multi, My money is on Alex, Nonbinary Lafayette, Texting, Washington is a dad ready to kill, a sprinkle of angst, also burr has a cat because why wouldn't he, eliza is my hero, get REKT alex, google translate french, hes the bestest, i don't speak french, i love burr, im sorry, it really impressed Henry Laurens tbh, laf knows how to make their boys (+Eliza) happy, like Liam Neeson in taken, mention of blood??, sexual dispositions explained???, shitty sex jokes and kinkshaming, the whole gangs here, trans male burr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-11 12:22:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 19,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7051216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/death_by_asphixiation/pseuds/death_by_asphixiation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>johnlawn: I have regrets</p><p>johnlawn: but that is not one of the lmao</p><p>laffytaffy: you can't walk </p><p>johnlawn: did I stutter</p><p>angel: y'all fucking wild</p><p> </p><p>.</p><p> </p><p>Hey I'd like to give credit to Hamsquad™ by rescuemehinboyandshowmethestars;1-800-did-I-ask by lol-phan-af; read receipts have their eyes on u by bvrnes; the sin tin by acequeerno, iamshirelocked, and thehogwartsjaguar. They're fics are really great and are what inspired me to write my own, you should check them out please.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Daddy's Home

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyyyyye my first fic on AO3 but anyway here is the code for names 
> 
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> sorry the first chapter is so short and ooc I'm bad
> 
> Once I figure out how to bold the names I will but I'm doing this on my phone

burnbetsey: okay who's picking me up today

merculeshulligan: I am bby <3<3

burnbetsey: <3<3<3 thanks babe

johnlawn: who gAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BE CUTE WITHOUT US

a.hamslice: wHO DARE

laffytaffy: :'^(((((((((((

merculeshulligan: I'm the one who took the car today and dropped her off while y'all carpooled with Gwash

a.hamslice: oh yeah

merculeshulligan: damn Dad Boyfriend™ back at it again with the responsible nature

laffytaffy: more like Daddy amirite

a.hamslice: IM SCREAMING

johnlawn: OMG I CAN HEAR YOU FROM DOWN THE HALL

burnbetsey: TBH was that necessary

a.hamslice: IM HOLLERING 

merculeshulligan: sTOP IM BLUSHING

laffytaffy: ALEX STOP ACTING AS THOUGH YOU HAVENT CALLED HIM THAT ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS

a.hamslice has left the group chat 

burnbetsey: TBH WAS THAT NECESSARY

johnlawn: yes

laffytaffy: yes

burnbetsey has added a.hamslice to the group chat

a.hamslice: john 

a.hamslice: laf

a.hamslice: we're breaking up

johnlawn: I'll buy you ice cream and the Bee Movie

a.hamslice: jk John were not breaking up

burnbetsey: THAT MOVIE IS NOT COMING INTO OUR APARTMENT WHILE IM ALIVE

johnlawn: I'll buy you ice cream

a.hamslice: ok

laffytaffy: All I have to offer is my dick

a.hamslice: pass

laffytaffy: wOW RUDE

a.hamslice: I want daddy's dick

merculeshulligan: STOP I DONT WANT A BONER AT WORK

johnlawn: same tbh

johnlawn: his thighs are fucking spectacular 

burnbetsey: he thick™

laffytaffy: okay true

merculeshulligan: IM GLAD WE CLOSE SOON BECAUS E I WOULDNT BE OKAY OTHERWISE

burnbetsey: you wanna make out in the car when you pic me up?

merculeshulligan: PLEASE

a.hamslice: Martha showed up to take us home bc Gwash is staying late

johnlawn: shouldn't take us long until we're home

a.hamslice: laf is literally bouncing up and down in their seat

laffytaffy: I'm practicing for when I get home

merculeshulligan: oH MY GOD

johnlawn: WERE HOME

burnbetsey: diaZosjqsvsusjanak

a.hamslice: I think she's butt dialing

laffytaffy: someone call her lets get them to nut

johnlawn: IMMA DO IT

merculeshulligan: WHO DID IT

johnlawn: ME

merculeshulligan: YOURE ASS IS MINE WHEN I GET HOME

johnlawn: thank you daddy

merculeshulligan: I


	2. No Raegrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter is a lot longer!!!
> 
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr

burnbetsey has added angel to the group chat

burnbetsey: I can't believe John got herc to nut by calling my phone

angel: LMAO WHAT THE HELL LAURENS

johnlawn: I have regrets

johnlawn: but that is not one of the lmao

laffytaffy: you can't walk 

johnlawn: did I stutter

angel: y'all fucking wild

merculeshulligan: someone help Alex is drooling on me

johnlawn: okay hold on

merculeshulligan: FUCK IM CRYIDNMAI

a.hamslice: THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR

angel: WHAT HAPPENED

a.hamslice: JOHN FUCKING SLAPS MY BACK WITH THE FURY OF THE A THOUSAND SUNS

angel: LMAO GET REKT HAM

burnbetsey: I HEARD IT FROM ACROSS THE APARTMENT ARE YOU OKAY BBY

a.hamslice: NO I AM EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY HURT

burnbetsey: l am making pancakes if you wanna come help me bby

burnbetsey: we can be cute and you can lick the batter

a.hamslice: YOURE GOD

a.hamslice: AND I LOVE YOU

laffytaffy: but

a.hamslice: BUT IT HURTS TO MOVE

merculeshulligan: I'll carry you if you want

a.hamslice: okay daddy

angel: that's it I'm leaving

angel has left the chat

a.hamslice: angel wait

johnlawn: she left

a.hamslice has added angel to the group chat

a.hamslice: angel wait

angel: I'm adding Peggy to drag you 

a.hamslice: nvm you can leave Angel

angel: rude

angel had added margaritaville to the group chat

margaritaville: lmao what did ham do now

a.hamslice: I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG

margaritaville: i cant believe I have to kinkshame ham

burnbetsey: this is a kink-safe environment

burnbetsey: no kinkshaming

margaritaville: sorry mom

burnbetsey: Alex stop making a mess

margaritaville: he can't bc he is a mess

burnbetsey: WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY MARGARITA

margaritaville: ok jeez

margaritaville: ill stop dragging ham

a.hamslice: thank u bby<3

angel: gags

margaritaville: eat my ass Angelica 

margaritaville: you and Maria never shut the fuck up

angel has left the chat

a.hamslice: the evil is gone

burnbetsey: ALEXANDER

merculeshulligan: damn eliza back at it again with the full name

burnbetsey: shut up and go get laf and john

burnbetsey: I think they fell asleep

margaritaville: damn eliza back at it again with the negativity

a.hamslice: STOP USING DAMN DANIEL MEMES

merculeshulligan: damn alex back at it again with the capital letters

a.hamslice has left the group chat

burnbetsey has left the group chat

laffytaffy: mess

johnlawn has added a.hamslice, burnbetsey, and angel to the group chat

johnlawn: are y'all going to gwash's party

a.hamslice: ye

johnlawn: shut up ham of cOURSE YOURE GOING

a.hamslice: I DONT DESERVE THIS

margaritaville: yeah you do. You called herc daddy

angel: maria and I are going together

burnbetsey: all of the poly squad is going

a.hamslice has added a.burr to the chat

a.burr: what

a.hamslice: are you going to Washihgton's party

a.burr: don't we have to??

a.hamslice: do we????

burnbetsey: look at these two handsome, confused men

a.burr: Eliza you're the best!!!! Thank you!!

a.hamslice: I, A Simple Slab Of Ham, Am Thankful For The Compliment

a.hamslice: And Also Think Burr Is A Handsome Man

a.burr: stay in your lane, Hamilton

johnlawn: ^^^

a.hamslice: WTF THE FUCCKKNG

laffytaffy: IM CRYING

a.hamslice: LETS FIGHT BURR

a.hamslice: SQQUARE UUPPP

a.burr: you can't even walk, yet you expect to fight me, and presumably win?

a.hamslice: WHAT THE FUCKABSKAIS

a.hamslice has left the chat

angel: is this chat just here to drag Alex?

angel: because if it is, im here for it

merculeshulligan: I gotta go to work soon

burnbetsey: are you driving me again babe

merculeshulligan: ye

johnlawn: Alex and I are calling off today

laffytaffy: I'm going in unfortunately

a.burr: the ability to walk is unfortunate??

margaritaville: IM SUSBDKAOAJSBSJA

margaritaville: BURR

margaritaville: MY DUDE

margaritaville: MY MAN

margaritaville: YOURE MY NEW BEST FRIEND

a.burr: Thank you Peggy!! I'm glad to be your pal!!

johnlawn: I love the heel-face turn Burr does from when he is dragging someone to hell and when someone validates his gender

a.burr: I wish you couldn't use your hands instead of your ass

johnlawn: you're just upset that Alex wasn't calling you daddy last night

a.burr has left the chat

johnlawn has added a.hamslice to the chat

johnlawn: the evil is gone

a.hamslice: WOW FIRST YOU DRAG ME WITH BURR 

a.hamslice: THEN YOU FUCKIGG WXPOSE ME TO HIM

a.hamslice: THE. YOU INSULT HIM WHEN HEES GONE

a.hamslice: WHTA THE FUKK

margaritaville: WAIT

margaritaville: HAM HAS A CRUSH ON BURR

johnlawn: LMAO YEAH

burnbetsey: YOU DIDNT KNOW???

burnbetsey: HERC IS LAUGHING REALLY HARD 

burnbetsey: HE SAID THATS WHY ALEX IS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HIM

a.hamslice: STOP EXPOSIG ME LIKE THIS AKD AIAKENESJ

angel: so is burr gonna be part of the poly squad

burnbetsey: that depend on if him and alex start dating

laffytaffy: we're chill with it (except for john) but Alex has yet to make a move

a.hamslice: gUYS I LOVE YOU AND ALL BUT CAN WE NOT TLK ABOUT IT

burnbetsey: herc says that if you don't want to ask him out one on one we could ask him to a group date

a.hamslice: that's actually not a terrible idea

burnbetsey: he gasped and then said thank

johnlawn: wait so Alex is going to officially ask burr to one of our group dates??

a.hamslice: I guess so???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I wrote this chapter in a day and I'm ready for school to to be done


	3. Operation Date Burr

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, another several hours spent writing. I have a loose plot going on just so you know. 
> 
> Thanks for the kudos!!!
> 
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr

a.hamslice: HE SAID YES!!!!!!!!!

burnbetsey: !!!!!!!

merculeshulligan: GO ALEX!!

laffytaffy: Alex stop bouncing 

a.hamslice: NO

a.hamslice: I AM TOO FILLED WITH WXCITEMENT

johnlawn: so when is it happening

a.hamslice: …

burnbetsey: okay what really happened

a.hamslice: i rambled

merculeshulligan: oh no

a.hamslice: oh yes

a.hamslice: so I go up to him right and I'm like hey burr you look handsome today

a.hamslice: and he's like I look handsome everyday what do you want Hamilton 

a.hamslice: AND HE DOES LOOK SO HANDSOME AND IM STUTTERING AND IM LIKE WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAYBE GO ON A DATE OR MORE SPECIFICALLY A GROUP DATE BECAUSE I LIKE YOU AND YOURE REALLYCUTE AND I WANNNA DATE YOU I ALSO LOVE THE WAY YOU DRESS BUT IT ANNOYS ME HOW MUCH YOU KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF

laffytaffy: yikes™

johnlawn: im a hurt on the inside just imagining this

a.hamslice: AND HE CUTS ME OFF AND IS LIKE if I say yes will you get back to work

a.hamslice: AND I MANAGE TO STUTTER OUT. A YES AND HE FUCKING SMILES AND SAYS then I will join you AND WALKS AWAY

burnbetsey: oh alex

a.hamslice: I am in the closet someone please comfort me

johnlawn: laf and I will there soon

burnbetsey: we can have a cuddle sess when everyone is home tonight

a.hamslice: God forgives and saves daily

a.burr has sent a.hamslice a private message

a.burr: so when are we going on this date

a.burr: and by we I mean the entire poly squad plus me

a.burr: that's what you meant right?

a.hamslice has entered the group chat

a.hamslice: HELP HES TEXTING ME NOW

margaritaville: what he say

a.hamslice has sent a picture to the group chat whatdoido.jpg

johnlawn: lord

burnbetsey: just tell him that yes it is the poly squad and we'll go out for ice cream the come back and watch hsm or something

merculeshulligan: damn Eliza back at it again with the quick thinking

a.hamslice has removed merculeshulligan from the group chat

laffytaffy: ALEXANDER

laffytaffy has added merculeshulligan to the group chat

merculeshulligan: RUDE 

merculeshulligan: WERE BREAKING UP

a.hamslice: IM SORRY IM JUST NERVOUS AND YOUR MEMEING ISNT HELPING

merculeshulligan: it's okay bby I understand

johnlawn: just text him back Alex

burnbetsey: yeah

a.hamslice: okay hold on

a.hamslice has sent a.burr a private message

a.hamslice: yeah, it's just the poly squad plus you 

a.hamslice: how do you feel about ice cream and then watching high school musical with the squad?

a.burr: that sounds great but it doesn't answer my question

a.burr: when???

a.ham has entered the group chat

a.hamslice: IM DYING

a.hamslice has sent a picture to the group chat letmedie.jpg

angel: FUCCKKNG IM CRYIFNSK HE GIVIN YOY STRAIGHT SASS

johnlawn: this Friday and he can spend the night if he wants bc we'll probably end up marathoning it

a.hamslice has sent a private message to a.burr

a.hamslice: how about friday? the squad said you can spend the night if you want because we'll probably end up having an hsm marathon

a.burr: Friday's perfect

a.hamslice: good :)

a.hamslice has entered the group chat

a.hamslice: okay it's done

margaritaville: Alex

margaritaville: Ham

margaritaville: Ham Man

a.hamslice: what

margaritaville: wouldn't it have been easier just to add burr to the chat???

a.hamslice has removed margaritaville from the group chat

burnbetsey: ALEXANDER

angel: IM LAUGHING THEY'RE RIGHT

burnbetsey has added margaritaville to the group chat

margaritaville: WHOS READY TO WATCH A BASTARD ORPHAN GET HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM

burnbetsey has removed margaritaville from the group chat

burnbetsey: that's enough out of them

merculeshulligan: let them live

laffytaffy: this is 

laffytaffy: how you say

laffytaffy: a Hot Mess™

angel has added margaritaville to the group chat

johnlawn: we need to get our shit together for friday

a.hamslice: please?

margaritaville: laurens

margaritaville: my man

johnlawn: what

margaritaville: I thought you didn't want alex going out with burr

johnlawn: I didn't say that

laffytaffy: I did

johnlawn: they did^^

johnlawn: I want alex to be happy and if dating burr makes him happy I won't stop him

johnlawn: even if I think burr is a weenie and doesn't deserve ham

burnbetsey: awwwwww that's cute babe

a.hamslice: John 

johnlawn: yes

a.hamslice: I love you!!!!!!!

johnlawn: I love you too!!!!

a.hamslice: I love all of you!!!!

angel: pass

a.hamslice: wOW RUDE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished finals and school today so i should be posting often
> 
> Anyway, next chapter: squad plans, more burr(!!), pining, and dad


	4. I Was Burrn Ready

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh y'all are so nice I'm emo. 
> 
> Appearance of new characters too!!! Here are the names:
> 
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha

burnbetsey: okay what's the plan

merculeshulligan: e l i z a

burnbetsey: WHATS THE PLAN

johnlawn: laf and I leave at lunch to come home and help you guys clean

merculeshulligan: I am in charge of getting the living room cleaned and the blankets washed

laffytaffy: I am to clean the kitchen and organize the movie food

johnlawn: I organize and clean the bathroom 

burnbetsey: and I clean the bed room and inevitably help everyone else

angel: I chill here with Maria in London

margaritaville: I chill here by myself

margaritaville: alone

margaritaville: forever

a.hamslice: I SEDUCE BURR ALLDAY AND BRING HIM TO THE ICE CREAM SHOP AFTER WORK

burnbetsey: good to see we all know our jobs

 

.

 

a.hamslice has sent a.burr a private message

a.hamslice: are you ready for tonight

a.burr: I was born ready

a.burr: or you could say

a.hamslice: dont

a.burr: I was burrn ready

a.hamslice: Im canceling the date

a.burr: IM KIDDING

a.hamslice: are you spending the night

a.burr: yeah

a.burr: im so ready for hsm but

a.hamslice: but???

a.burr: can we watch camp rock too?

a.hamslice: of course!!

a.burr: so is John going to be pouty 

a.hamslice: he has promised to be good and besides

a.hamslice: his cuddle buddy is eliza tonight

a.burr: cuddle buddies?

a.hamslice: for the movies it's herc and laf, john and eliza, me and you

a.hamslice: that is if you're okay with it

a.burr: ;)

a.hamslice: well I gtg to a meeting with gwash, talk later

 

.

 

jefferoni.n.cheese has added jmadisin and a.burr to the group chat

jefferoni.n.cheese: please tell me you're not going on a date with hamilton

a.burr: shut up you hate fucked him in college

jefferoni.n.cheese: MADDY!!! HES BULLYING ME!!!

jmadisin: I can't defend you for your sins

jefferoni.n.cheese: don't you even love me jemmy

jmadisin: of course I do!!!

a.burr: gags

jmadisin: but I can't help that you fucked hamilton

jefferoni.n.cheese: you made out with him in high school, you shouldn't be one to talk

jmadisin: thomas, we're breaking up

jefferoni.n.cheese: jemmy wait

jmadisin has removed jefferoni.n.cheese from the group chat

a.burr: anyway,,,

jmadisin: what about this date 

a.burr: OMG so I'm going to get ice cream with the poly squad and we're going back to their apartment and watching hsm and camp rock 

a.burr: im really excited

jmadisin: poly squad??

a.burr: alex/eliza/john/laf/herc

jmadisin: well good luck, man!!

a.burr: thanks mads!!!

 

. 

 

G.Washington has sent a private message to laffytaffy

G.Washington: Lafayette, why did you leave me with lovesick Hamilton and Burr.

G.Washington: I have gotten used to yours and Laurens' and Hamilton's romantic escapades in the office.

G.Washington: I have even gotten used to Madison and Jefferson ogling at each other and being romantically unappealing.

G.Washington: But I think watching Hamilton and Burr pine after each other is actually going to kill me. 

laffytaffy: I'm sorry, sir, but I can't control whether Burr and Hamilton decide to flirt at the water cooler.

G.Washington: I know. But does this mean that Burr will be added to your "poly squad"?

laffytaffy: It's certainly a possibility if tonight's date goes well.

G.Washington: They have a date tonight?

laffytaffy: Burr is joining one of the poly squad's group dates.

G.Washington: Ah, well don't let Burr hurt my son. :-)

laffytaffy: Will do, sir.

 

.

 

Martha.D.C.W has sent a.hamslice a private message 

Martha.D.C.W: Good luck on your date tonight!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comments and kudos are much appreciated and make me very emo. Thank.
> 
> Next chapter: the date!!!!, Peggy is very gay™, and we're all in this together


	5. Gay Stuff Happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cut my thumb @ work so it's hard to type but an update!! It's longer than planned.
> 
> As always
> 
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha  
> maria.carey= maria

a.hamslice has entered the group chat

a.hamslice: 1) Martha texted me to tell me good luck on the date so which one of you fuckers told gwash

a.hamslice: 2) I'm ubering with burr and he won't stop talking about cotton candy ice cream and iTS SO CUTE

laffytaffy: gwash messaged me to complain about your flirting w/ burr and I told him oops??

laffytaffy: lmao then he said "don't let burr hurt my son :-)"

angel: IM DYING GGGTTTGGGG

merculeshulligan: daddy 2.0

a.hamslice has removed merculeshulligan from the group chat

a.hamslice: w e a r e f r e e

burnbetsey: ALEXANDER 

burnbetsey has added merculeshulligan to the group chat 

merculeshulligan: SQUARE UP U PUNK

a.hamslice: no

johnlawn: this is

laffytaffy: a Hot Mess™

johnlawn: I mean yes 

johnlawn: but I was going to say chaos

a.hamslice: he's asking to be added to the group chat what do I do??

johnlawn: add him???

burnbetsey: honestly Alex

a.hamslice: okay

a.hamslice: act natural

a.hamslice has added a.burr to the group chat

merculeshulligan: AYYYYYO BURR WHATS GOOD

a.hamslice: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

laffytaffy: herc likes lingerie

merculeshulligan has left the group chat

laffytaffy: this time you didn't have to remove him alex

laffytaffy: I got your back

a.hamslice: thanks babe <3<3<3

laffytaffy: <3<3<3

a.burr: this is

laffytaffy: a Hot Mess™

a.burr: yes

a.burr: is it always like this

johnlawn: burr

a.burr: what

johnlawn: my man

johnlawn: my dude

johnlawn: when has ham ever not been a hot mess 

a.burr: okay tru

a.hamslice: I!!! DONT!!! DESERVE!!! THIS!!!

a.burr: where's eliza

a.burr: the one pure being in y'alls lives

laffytaffy: driving

laffytaffy: she says hi

a.burr: omg tell her she looks beautiful and hi!!! 

a.hamslice: y'all are meanies

a.burr: alex is sulking

a.hamslice: am not

a.burr: he's making the pouty face

lafftytaffy has added merculeshulligan to the group chat

laffytaffy: the cute one??

a.burr: yes

a.burr has sent a picture to the group chat lookatthiscutie.jpg

merculeshulligan: IM VERY QUEER AMD EMO

a.hamslice: STOPP

a.hamslice: we're here and we're putting our phones away

a.hamslice has removed a.burr from the group chat

a.hamslice has left the group chat

johnlawn: Alex is a weenie

laffytaffy: HONESTLY HERC YOURE SO CUTE WHEN YOU TALK TO ELIZA BC YOU GET SO EXCITED WHEN YOU LOOK AT HER

johnlawn: I KNOW RIGHT YALL ARE TALKING ABOUT KNITTING AND ITS ADORABLE

merculeshulligan: BABS

merculeshulligan: BABES

merculeshulligan: BAES

merculeshulligan: BEES

merculeshulligan: I LOVE YOU!!!

johnlawn: WE LOVE YOU TOO

laffytaffy: WE LOVE YOU

 

.

 

angel: how's the date going

burnbetsey: really well actually

johnlawn: Alex and burr are laughing and talking to each other and they're really cute??¿?

merculeshulligan: my heart is crying because alex looks so happy

angel: that's

angel: really gay actually

merculeshulligan: I KNOW

laffytaffy: THEY ARE FEEDING EACHOTHER SPOONFULS

laffytaffy: MY HEART IS DYING

laffytaffy: IM GOING TO GET A CAVITY FROM ALL THIS CUTE

burnbetsey: UGHHHHH SOMEONE GIVE ME KISSES I WANT TO FEEL LOVE

laffytaffy: I CALL DIBS

angel: this chat is basically just the poly squad being super queer and shit

angel: I can't take it anymore

angel has added maria.carey to the group chat

angel: I love you!!

maria.carey: OMG babe I love you too!!!! You look so cute over there wanna make out ??

angel: yes!!!

johnlawn has removed angel and maria.carey from the group chat

johnlawn: if they're making out the don't need to be in the chat

merculeshulligan: JONATHAN

johnlawn: that's not my name

merculeshulligan: JOHN LAURENS

johnlawn: AM I WRONG

merculeshulligan: JOHN

johnlawn: A M I W R O N G

merculeshulligan has added angel and maria.carey to the group chat

angel: WHICH ONE O FYIU FUCKERS KICKKED US

johnlawn: DEAD

angel: YOU WILL BE, BOY

merculeshulligan: y'all we should leave

laffytaffy: I wanna watch hsm

burnbetsey: look at my boy

burnbetsey: he is in love

johnlawn: okay let's get one thing straight 

burnbetsey: gay

johnlawn: okay let's get one thing gay

johnlawn: are alex and burr allowed to kiss

burnbetsey: yes

merculeshulligan: yeah

laffytaffy: oui

johnlawn: then we're all in agreement

laffytaffy: mon ami I thought you didn't like burr

johnlawn: WHATEVER MAKES ALEX HAPPY

angel: y'all that's really sweet

maria.carey: it's so cute I'm gonna cry

laffytaffy: Alex wants to be added to the chat

burnbetsey has added a.hamslice and a.burr to the group chat

a.hamslice: are me and burr riding with you guys or what

johnlawn: sure but burr will have to sit on your lap

a.hamslice: that's okay with me

a.burr: objection

merculeshulligan: overruled

laffytaffy: would you rather sit on John's or mines lap???

angel: tough decision mate

a.burr: fine but if alex gets a boner I'm throwing him out the car

merculeshulligan: fair

a.hamslice: excuse me???

johnlawn: if he gets a boner I'll help you throw him out

a.hamslice: EXCUSE ME

a.burr: if I kiss your hand will you stop squirming

a.hamslice: …

a.hamslice: maybe

a.burr: it's a yes or no question hamilton

a.hamslice: yes

johnlawn: lmao Alex is really red rn

johnlawn: he's burying his face in burrs back

maria.carey: that's cute!!!

a.hamslice: Maria omg hi!!!

maria.carey: Hi!!!!

angel: wait you know each other 

a.hamslice: ummmm

maria.carey: GGGTTTGGGG :)))))))))

a.burr: where can I change into pajamas

burnbetsey: you can do it in the bathroom at the end of the hall

a.burr: thank you Eliza!!!! You're the best!!!

a.hamslice: bercules 

merculeshulligan: ahh yes

merculeshulligan: that's me 

merculeshulligan: bercules mulligan

a.hamslice: don't take off your shirt

merculeshulligan: why???

a.hamslice: if you take it off I'll want to make out with you

laffytaffy: well it's a good thing that your not his cuddle buddy

johnlawn: savage

burnbetsey: he's pouting again

laffytaffy: lmao how you say

laffytaffy: get REKT

merculeshulligan: exactly like that

merculeshulligan: you just did it

laffytaffy has removed merculeshulligan from the group chat

johnlawn has added merculeshulligan to the group chat

johnlawn: MARIE JOSEPH PAUL YVES ROCH GILBERT DU MOTIER DE LAFAYETTE

laffytaffy: sTOPP

a.burr: guys

a.burr: don't fight

a.burr: we're all in this together

a.hamslice: BURR THATS THE SECOND PUN TODAY

a.burr: you invited me

a.hamslice: LETS WATCH IT ALREADY

 

.

 

burnbetsey: LOOK AT THEM

laffytaffy: ARE YHEY GONNA DO IT

johnlawn: GOD I HOPE OR ELSE ALEX WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT DOING IT

merculeshulligan: JUST ADMIT THEY ARE CUTE

johnlawn: FINE THEYRE CUTE

laffytaffy: BURR IS LEANING IN

burnbetsey: AHHHHHHH

johnlawn: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

merculeshulligan: AHHHHHHHHHH

angel: AHHHHHHHHHH

laffytaffy: THEY DID OT IM SO PROUD

merculeshulligan: LAF KISS ME

laffytaffy: OKAY

johnlawn: IM SO EMO

margaritaville: I REALLY HOPE YALL ARE HAVING A GOOD DATE AND WHATEVER BUT I NEED HELP

burnbetsey: ARE YOU OKAY 

angel: WHERE ARE YOU ILL FIGHT THEM

johnlawn: mom mode 2x

margaritaville: IM FINE BUT IM VERY GAY

margaritaville: IM HAVING A GAY PANIC™

maria.carey: don't you have one of those every week??

margaritaville: THIS IS DIFFERENT

laffytaffy: how

margaritaville: IVE BEEN ASKED ON A DATE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very very gay and I love it lmao. Kudos and comments are always appreciated!!!
> 
> Next Chapter: even more gay, vaping, and Peggy's dilemma


	6. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyyye I'm hella tired and this is late because I accidentally deleted the entire chapter and lost the will to live. Anyway enjoy!!
> 
> hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha  
> maria.carey= maria  
> dolls.maddy= dolley

burnbetsey: WHAT

angel: BY WHO

merculeshulligan: *by whom

margaritaville: you remember burrs old datemate theo??

angel: isn't she dating dolley madison???

burnbetsey has added jmadisin to the group chat

jmadisin: ????? why 

burnbetsey: are theo and dolley still dating 

jmadisin: as far as I know why???

margaritaville: so you know that sandwich place I frequent??? I walk in to get a panini and thEYRE SITTING AT A TABLE NEAR THE COUNTER

margaritaville: AND DOLLEYS LIKE OMG HEY CUTIE WE HAVENT SEEN YOUR AMAZING FACE IN FOREVEVR

margaritaville: AND THEO IS LIKE YEAH MAYBE WE CAN SEE MORE OF THAT CUTE FACE OVER DINNER

margaritaville: IT WAS EXECUTED SO PERFECTLY AND SHE EVEN WINKED WTF

margaritaville: IM SO GAY HELP

jmadisin has sent dolls.maddy a private message

jmadisin: did you and theo ask Peggy Schuyler on a date

dolls.maddy: yeah why

jmadisin: they're going into a gay panic™ about it

dolls.maddy: Awww they're so cute

jmadisin has entered the group chat

johnlawn: what do you even need help with

maria.carey: it doesn't sound that complicated

margaritaville: I don't have any experience with poly dates except for the poly squad's weird gross makeout dates

johnlawn: blocked

laffytaffy: offensive content

merculeshulligan: show me less of this

burnbetsey: do you want our help or not

margaritaville: you're right I'm sorry

angel: our family dynamic in a nutshell

burnbetsey: basically it's like a regular date

burnbetsey: flirt, smile, and seduce like regular but with two people instead of one

merculeshulligan: damn Eliza back at it again with the mothering nature

merculeshulligan: but anyway she's right

johnlawn: herc and eliza = mom squad

merculeshulligan: I would high five you Eliza but I don't want to move laf

angel: are we going shopping for your date tomorrow

margaritaville: yeah I know the perfect boutique

margaritaville: Eliza, you and laf are invited

jmadisin: can I come

margaritaville: why

jmadisin: because I know what dolley likes???

margaritaville: good thinkin lincoln

johnlawn: lmao you just wanna get away from Tjeff 

jmadisin: anyway,,,

merculeshulligan: OMFG WHAT DID HE DO NOW

jmadisin: it's too exhausting to talk about ill tell y'all tomorrow 

angel: you better 

jmadisin: good night

burnbetsey: goodnight!!!

johnlawn: ^^^

margaritaville: bye

 

.

 

a.hamslice: GUYS

burnbetsey: good morning alex

a.hamslice: YOURE SO CUTE AND I LOVE YOU ALL

johnlawn: ????¿??!?¿

johnlawn: love you too

a.hamslice: I read up on the chat

johnlawn: oh

burnbetsey: Love you too!!!

merculeshulligan: I love you!!!

merculeshulligan: Laf says love you too but they don't want to search for their phone in the blankets

a.hamslice: if get up and kiss y'all but I don't wanna wake burr

burnbetsey: well you have to because breakfast is almost done

a.hamslice: but he looks so cute and peaceful and HES CUDDLING ME

johnlawn: alex

a.hamslice: but

johnlawn: Alexander

a.hamslice: But

johnlawn: ALEXANDER HAMILTON

a.hamslice: BUT

johnlawn: ALEX I HAVE PICTURES OF YOU AND BURR SLEEPING AND CUDDLING LAST NIGHT AND IF YOU WAKE HIM ILL SEND TGEM

a.hamslice: deal

johnlawn has sent private pictures cuddlebuddies1.jpeg, cuddlebuddies2.jpeg, cuddlebuddies3.jpeg and cuddlebuddies4.jpeg to a.hamslice

johnlawn has entered the group chat

a.burr: erase those pictures

johnlawn: what pictures????

a.hamslice: there are no pictures here????

merculeshulligan: I love how expressive burr is in the morning

merculeshulligan: oanspdbdiapmrghjkswytiaopdnlkhg

angel: what did I wake up to

a.hamslice: burr is trying to smother herc with a pillow and herc does not want to hurt Aaron because he knows he's stronger

a.hamslice: it's really cute

a.hamslice: oh no Laf's awake

a.hamslice: LAF IS HOLDING HERC DOWN SO BURR AND THEM CAN TICKLE HERC

johnlawn: SEND PICS

a.hamslice has sent the pictures death.jpeg, heangry.jpeg, and tickles.jpeg to the group chat

a.hamslice: brb these pancakes are good

burnbetsey: thanks they're made with love <3<3<3

a.burr: Alex don't you dare eat them all 

a.burr: I want some of Eliza's love

burnbetsey: don't worry burr

burnbetsey: I'm in a poly relationship

burnbetsey: I have plenty of love to go around ;)))

laffytaffy: aww he's flustered

johnlawn: why was there a scream

merculeshulligan: he dragged their ass tf off the couch

a.hamslice: Aaron stop bullying my datemate and come get some of ELIZAS LOVE

burnbetsey: each pancake comes with a kiss to the forehead <3

angel: that's really gay

burnbetsey: shut the fuck up Angelica you're dating a girl

angel: TEACHER THIS IS BULLYING!!!!

johnlawn: I didn't see anything

a.hamslice: idk what you're talking about

a.burr: lies by Angelica Schuyler

merculeshulligan: eliza would never bully anyone

laffytaffy: Eliza is too kind

burnbetsey: aww y'all have my back

burnbetsey: I love you guys

maria.carey: lmao get rekt angel

angel: get out of my apartment

maria.carey: you mean our apartment??

burnbetsey: laf come eat already we have to get ready

laffytaffy: for what

burnbetsey: we're going dress shopping with Angelica, Peggy, and James

a.hamslice: Madison seems like the outlier on that lmao

jmadisin: I have to get away

johnlawn: you make it sound like a horror movie

jmadisin: you don't understand

laffytaffy: ??????

jmadisin: he bought a vape

johnlawn: OMG ARE YOU FUCKIG KIDDING ME

a.burr: ALEX STOP SCREAMIHG

a.burr: LAF STOP CRYING

a.hamslice: AS IF HE COULDNT GET ANY WORSE

angel: I can't believe the same mouth that has been on me is now vaping

angel: wait shit how do I delete messages

a.hamslice: ANGELICA ARE YOY FUCKIGN KIDDING ME

angel has left the group chat

maria.carey: HAM YOU LITTERALLY HATE FUCKED JEFFERSON STFU

a.hamslice has left the group chat

johnlawn: maria don't make me expose you

maria.carey: what are you talking about :^)))))))))))))))))))))))))

margaritaville: y'all this is too wild to wake up to istg

jmadisin: I need some aspirin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are so nice y'all every time I get a comment I tear up a little cuz y'all are so nice. It's crazy that as of now over sixty people liked my story enough to give it kudos?? THANK YOU SO MUCH
> 
> Next chapter: honest talks, fighting, George Dadington


	7. Fight Squad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so emo I had a shitty day at work and I saw all the kudos and bookmarks and comments and I'm !!!!!!!
> 
> Here's the names:
> 
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha  
> maria.carey= maria  
> dolls.maddy= dolley

margaritaville: WE HAVE THE DRESS AND I LOOK FINE

margaritaville has sent pics datass.jpeg and whosgettinglucky.jpeg to the group chat

merculeshulligan: dAMN PEGGY GET IT

laffytaffy: we all got dresses

jmadisin: except me

johnlawn: wear it for me later bby ;)))

laffytaffy: ;))))))

burnbetsey: ;)))))))

margaritaville: leave

margaritaville has added angel and a.hamslice to the group chat

margaritaville: HAM LOOK AT MY DRESS

a.hamslice: LMAO DOLLEY AND THEO DONT STAND A CHANCE WITH YOU LOOKING LIKE THAT

margaritaville: this is why you're my fave ham

a.hamslice: <3<3<3

a.burr: get off your phone so I can kick your ass at Mario kart

a.hamslice: alright

a.hamslice has left the group chat

johnlawn: so while y'all were shopping herc and I did some shopping of our own

burnbetsey: what did you do now

angel: lmao she looks exhausted rn 

johnlawn: I bought a cactus and I'm naming it Obama

laffytaffy: after the first black president???

johnlawn: ye

merculeshulligan: and I bought a windowsill planter and I'm gonna plant flowers

burnbetsey: y'all are so cute I'm getting emo

laffytaffy: we're not going to have room

merculeshulligan: we'll make room

laffytaffy: ugh

merculeshulligan: dONT LITERALLY TYPE UGH AT ME

johnlawn has added a.hamslice to the group chat

johnlawn: y'all ready for dadington's gala this week cuz I'm READY TO JUST GET SMASHED

angel: stay classy john

johnlawn: Angelica you're anything but classy sweaty :))))

angel has left the group chat

a.hamslice: don't call him Dadington

merculeshulligan: Daddyington

a.hamslice has removed merculeshulligan from the group chat

laffytaffy has added merculeshulligan to the group chat

merculeshulligan: eXCUSE YOU

a.burr: lord help me

a.hamslice: look AT THEM BURR

a.burr: damn

a.burr: you're right

a.burr: hercules' thighs are fucking spectacular

a.hamslice: I KNOW RIGHT

merculeshulligan: OMFG STOP 

johnlawn: are we admiring his thighs now because wow™

laffytaffy: damn herc back at it again with the nice thighs

merculeshulligan: STOPPPP

burnbetsey: honestly that's what you get for wearing those shorts

margaritaville: wait when's this gala

johnlawn: Wednesday 

angel: when's the date

margaritaville: Friday

margaritaville: herc can you make me a suit

margaritaville: or at least tailor a suit for me

merculeshulligan: omg yes if you come over now I can take the measurements

margaritaville: Thank you!!!!! 

a.burr: shit

a.hamslice: what 

a.burr: i need to feed the cat

a.burr has added jefferoni.n.cheese

a.burr: did you feed the cat

jefferoni.n.cheese: no????? it's your cat?????

a.burr: goddamn it jefferson

a.burr has removed jefferoni.n.cheese from the group chat

johnlawn: the evil is gone

a.burr: I gotta go and take care of the cat

a.burr: my son

a.hamslice: okay

a.hamslice: goddamn it

burnbetsey: what is it

a.hamslice: I forgot I have a thing to work on for Washington 

a.hamslice: shit

a.hamslice has left the group chat

laffytaffy: I think I hear him crying

merculeshulligan: I think Alex is upset because he was having a good time and he thinks you just didn't want to be around him

burnbetsey: I'll go talk to him

burnbetsey: he's afraid because he thinks you got bored with him

burnbetsey: he thinks he's not important enough to you

a.burr: he's a good friend???

a.burr: he SO important to me

a.burr: I just needed to feed my cat

burnbetsey: I know :(((

merculeshulligan: it was kind of abrupt like I understand why he'd get that feeling

a.burr: yeah :|

johnlawn: burr I really wanted to thank you 

a.burr: for what

johnlawn: for agreeing to the date and making Alex happy 

johnlawn: and also for getting him to sleep because that boy never sleeps

a.burr: I

a.burr: thank you

a.burr: for letting me in and making room for me to make him happy

a.burr: he's so important to me and he deserves to be happy

a.burr all of you do

johnlawn: I think he needs to hear that

johnlawn has added a.hamslice to the group chat

a.burr: Alex

a.hamslice: yeah?

a.burr: you're important to me 

a.burr: you're all important to me 

a.burr: and even if me being in the poly squad doesn't work out I don't think I'll want to stop being friends and caring about you

a.hamslice: you're important to me too

johnlawn: he's crying rn

a.burr: if you want i can come back over

a.hamslice: yes please

a.burr: okay I'll be back over soon

johnlawn: wait does this mean we're having another poly squad date night + burr

a.burr: I guess so

a.burr: can I bring my cat

laffytaffy: YES

 

.

 

margaritaville: first a dress and now a suit

margaritaville: man I'm FUCKIGG KILLING IT GODDAMN

laffytaffy: ikr damn pegs

burnbetsey: speaking of killing it

burnbetsey: how badass did the poly squad look walking in

angel: you look like a crowd of teenagers ready to start trouble by underage drinking

johnlawn: shouldn't y'all be mingling instead of texting

angel: sorry I couldn't hear you over your aggressively southern accent

a.hamslice: it's too much for me

johnlawn: fuck y'all

angel: I'm sorry what??

johnlawn has left the group chat

burnbetsey: look at herc talking to Washington about suits

a.hamslice: he's so cUTE

jmadisin: just a heads up but John Adams is here

a.hamslice: FUCKINNG JOHN ADAMS

laffytaffy: burr please take him away

a.burr: already on it

burnbetsey: he's heading our way

angel: HOLY SHIT ELIZA

laffytaffy: IM SCREAMING WHERES JOHN

jmadisin: OH MY GOD  
laffytaffy has added johnlawn to the group chat 

laffytaffy: JOHN

merculeshulligan: HOLY FUCK THERES SO MUCH BLOOD

johnlawn: WHAT HAPPENED

a.burr: WHATS GOING ON

a.hamslice: ELIZA ARE YOU ALRIGHT

angel: LMAO SHE IS BUT JOHN ADAMS SURE AINT

margaritaville: im so proud I'm crying honestly

a.hamslice: Washington wants to be added

laffytaffy has added G.Washington to the group chat

G.Washington: Eliza what happened??? Are you alright???

burnbetsey: I'm quite fine, George. Actually I'm feeling a lot better even if my knuckles are split.

angel: omg that's so bad ass

G.Washington: Why did you punch John Adams?

burnbetsey: You see, sir, he was relentlessly misgendering my datemate, sibling, and friend while two of them were standing there beside me.

burnbetsey: Even when we corrected him he still managed to be a raging asshole and I was not having it.

burnbetsey: So I fucking decked him and I do not regret it. :)))

G.Washington: I see.

G.Washington: I will have words with him.

G.Washington: In the mean time, please see to your split knuckles. Good evening.

G.Washington has left the group chat

a.hamslice: I've never seen him so angry 

a.hamslice: I think he's going to kill Adams

burnbetsey: good

burnbetsey: I need alcohol

margaritaville: YOURE MY HERO AND IM LUCKY TO HAVE YOU AS A SISTER

a.burr: a saint

laffytaffy: no

laffytaffy: A GOD

merculeshulligan: I think it's time to go home

johnlawn: this is too much excitement and I'm exhausted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know I will always reply to comments because y'all are nice and I love you.
> 
> Also I'm gonna need statistics on how many times y'all has been said so far.
> 
> Next chapter: Peggy's date, big news, and even bigger news!!!


	8. Congrats!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that I got over 100 kudos I'm so happy. Also shout out to bellmysblake for being super cool and shooting around headcannons with me.
> 
>  
> 
> Names:  
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha  
> maria.carey= maria  
> dolls.maddy= dolley  
> deartheo= theodosia

margaritaville: okay I'm so ready for this date

margaritaville: theo dolley and I have been texting back and forth so much

johnlawn: you're gonna do great kiddo

burnbetsey: MAKE SURE TO GET PICTURES WITH THEM

margaritaville: OKAY MOM

margaritaville: shit I gotta blast

a.burr: I was thinking

a.hamslice: yeah?

a.burr: and I think I may like the entire poly squad???

burnbetsey: we like you too aaron!!!

a.burr: but I mean in the way Alex and I like each other

laffytaffy: oh

a.burr: it's been five minutes someone please say something

johnlawn: burr I've gotta be honest

johnlawn: I may have been developing feelings for you too and I want to say what I have to before asking my fellow datemates

johnlawn: watching the way your eyes soften when you talk to alex but still debate with him passively makes my heart stop

johnlawn: and when you smile

johnlawn: it knocks me out

laffytaffy: I fall apart

laffytaffy: you're so gorgeous and you understand my trans troubles like none of my other datemates do

laffytaffy: no offense of course

laffytaffy: I love talking about gender politics and cats with you

burnbetsey: you fit right in to the little parent squad with me and herc

burnbetsey: you mesh so well and you talk about knitting and baking and books

burnbetsey: I get butterflies when you compliment me

merculeshulligan: you're so smart and pragmatic

merculeshulligan: you treat my datemates so well and it warms my heart

merculeshulligan: you offered to go to knitting club with me and that is easily the fastest way to my heart???

a.hamslice: it looks like the poly squad has spoken

a.hamslice: and they all like you back

a.burr: Im getting emotional 

a.burr: can I come over

merculeshulligan: yes!!!

burnbetsey: we can have a big cuddle pile and watch Disney animated films

johnlawn: we're not watching Hercules because herc and Alex always cry

a.hamslice: this is unfair

merculeshulligan: THIS IS BULLYING WE HAVE TO WATCH THE MOVIE THAT HAS THE SAME NAME AS ME

laffytaffy: okay but you and Alex have to be cuddle buddies

merculeshulligan: deal

a.hamslice: deal

johnlawn: I call burr

burnbetsey: lbr y'all gonna end up kicking each other in the shins

a.burr: We all know am here for fighting and making out with laurens

johnlawn: any time any day burr

burnbetsey: I want to kiss burr :((

laffytaffy: me too

merculeshulligan: me three

a.hamslice: me four

a.burr: ILL KISS ALL OF YOU

a.hamslice: Well get over here already so we can make it happen

angel: wait

laffytaffy: ???

angel: before you make out and stuff maria and I have an announcement

maria.carey: I wanna do it!!!

angel: okay baby them do it

maria.carey: We're getting married!!!

johnlawn: ELIZA JUST SCREAMED

burnbetsey: WHAT 

burnbetsey: WHEN 

burnbetsey: HOW

maria.carey: well we took a cab home after the excitement of the gala

angel: aka John Adams rest in fucking pieces

maria.carey: and I was like I love sharing these moments with you and I love you

maria.carey: and angelica is like what if you could spend moments like these with me forever

angel: and she laughed at me

maria.carey: and she fucKKNG PULLED OUT A RING AND WAS LIKE

maria.carey: will you marry me my love

angel: and she fainted

maria.carey: and I fainted

angel: we don't have much planned since this was two days ago

a.hamslice: eliza fainted but I think she's happy

merculeshulligan: congrats!!!

laffytaffy: ^^^^^ 

laffytaffy: <3<3<3

maria.carey: <3<3<3

a.burr: this is wild

johnlawn: it's too much excitement for one night istg

a.hamslice: is there never not excitement in our lives???

merculeshulligan: okay true

.

 

margaritaville: GUYS

merculeshulligan: how was the date pegs

margaritaville: IM GAY

margaritaville has sent pictures LOOKATTHEM.jpeg and TOOGAY.jpeg to the group chat

laffytaffy: dAMN PEGGY

johnlawn: so it went well??

margaritaville has added dolls.maddy and deartheo to the group chat

dolls.maddy: is this the meme team??

johnlawn: what have you done peggy

deartheo: dolley

deartheo: my love

dolls.maddy: yes?

deartheo: you're fucking lame

a.burr: theo don't bully her

deartheo: fight me you weenie

a.burr: I might take you up on that prevost

dolls.maddy: OMG burr thank you you're the best!!!!

jmadisin: sup dolley

dolls.maddy: ayyeee jimmy what's good

laffytaffy: that was a flawless heel-face turn

jmadisin: how was the date

dolls.maddy: really good!!!!! Peggy was so cute and it was really fun we went to dinner then a movie!!!

deartheo: they were super cute and funny and smart

margaritaville: omg stop I'm blushing

margaritaville: wait where's Angel and Eliza

a.hamslice: they're talking on the phone bc Angelica is getting married apparently???

margaritaville: lmao you guys didn't know

merculeshulligan: eliza screamed then passed out

margaritaville: ARE YOU FUCKIGG KIDDING ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nice comments make me cry because I'm a baby. But I really do appreciate kudos and comments and etc.
> 
> Next chapter: New roommates and overall a really gay time.


	9. Martha for Prez

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am tired and sorry. Also I think I managed to get every character in this chapter.
> 
> Names:  
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha  
> maria.carey= maria  
> dolls.maddy= dolley  
> deartheo= theodosia

johnlawn: I was thinking

angel: that's not a good sign

johnlawn: if burr is joining the poly squad then well have to get a house instead of an apartment

burnbetsey: you're right there's barely enough room as is

merculeshulligan: especially in the bathroom with lafayette's hair products

laffytaffy: excuse me??

merculeshulligan: did I stutter

laffytaffy: EXCUSE ME

merculeshulligan: DID I STUTTER

a.burr: if

johnlawn: who are you living with currently

jmadisin: he's living with Thomas and I

johnlawn: that's right and are you planning on living with that Mac and cheese fucker forever

johnlawn: do your clothes smell like vape yet because they will

a.burr: when can I move in

a.hamslice: wait really

a.burr: yeah?

laffytaffy: Alex fist pumped really hard and fell off the couch

burnbetsey: this means we'll have to start house hunting

laffytaffy: are we actually doing this

johnlawn: YES

merculeshulligan: let's make a list of wants and deal breakers for houses 

angel: maybe you can get dad to find a place bc he found one for us

burnbetsey: yeah!!!

johnlawn: a big kitchen

a.hamslice: a study or office

laffytaffy: lots of closet space

merculeshulligan: several bathrooms

a.burr: pet friendly

burnbetsey: a garden

burnbetsey: also a living room for entertaining

a.hamslice: a big bedroom because we'll need a super king sized bed to fit everyone

johnlawn: what about a bedroom for children

burnbetsey: one step at a time Jonathan

johnlawn: that's not my name but okay

a.burr: my cat can be our child

deartheo: lmao you still have that mangy thing

a.burr: apparently that cat doesn't have only its name in common with you

merculeshulligan: GET REKT THEO

merculeshulligan: PWNED

laffytaffy has removed merculeshulligan from the group chat

laffytaffy: I'm sorry for him

deartheo: it's alright fam

deartheo has added merculeshulligan to the group chat 

merculeshulligan: SQUARE UP YOU FRENCH FUCK

laffytaffy: Ferme ta bouche américaine putain.

merculeshulligan: I HAVE GOOGLE TRANSLATE YOU NUGGET

angel: screaming

laffytaffy: Je ne me soucie pas. Lèche mon cul.

a.hamslice: THIS NEEDS TO STOP

burnbetsey: istg

burnbetsey: my kindergarteners want to look at my phone and I will not show them this god awful chat

dolls.maddy: you teach kids??! That's so cute!!!

burnbetsey: I love thEM AND THEY ARE MY CHILDREN

a.burr: okay nvm I can't do this

johnlawn: liSTEN

a.burr: I trusted you 

a.burr: I can't believe this

johnlawn: IT WAS A TIME IN MY LIFE THAT IM NOT PROUD OF

dolls.maddy: ?????

a.hamslice: LMAO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE COUNTRY MUSIC

jmadisin: wait what's wrong with country music 

angel: James we can't be friends anymore

jmadisin: you say this like we were before

laffytaffy: savage

angel: we have a bond because we've both fucked your boyfriend

jmadisin has left the group chat

merculeshulligan: IM SCREAMING

a.hamslice: I CANT BELIEVE HE LEFT

laffytaffy: I can't believe it's not butter

deartheo: laf, you good???

laffytaffy: I haven't slept in 72 hours

burnbetsey: laf that's something Alex would do

laffytaffy: also I sent a thing entirely in French to senator von steuben

laffytaffy: how you say

laffytaffy: oops

a.hamslice has sent G.Washington a private message

a.hamslice: Sir, I think you should send Lafayette home because they haven't slept in 72 hours.

G.Washington: I know.

a.hamslice: Sir?

G.Washington: In the same minute you sent me that text I have also received texts from Lafayette's four other significant others.

G.Washington: I have every intention of sending them home, son.

a.hamslice: Thank you, sir.

G.Washington: And for the record, if I learn that you are pulling all-nighters like Lafayette I will be sending you home.

a.hamslice: Sir, I don't think that will be necessary because I know how to handle myself without sleep.

G.Washington: I just want you to live long enough to see Martha to the Oval Office, son.

a.hamslice: Please don't call me son.

G.Washington: :-)

a.hamslice has entered the group chat

laffytaffy: which one of you fuckers got me sent home

burnbetsey: me

johnlawn: me

merculeshulligan: me

a.burr: me

a.hamslice: all of the poly squad actually

johnlawn: ???

a.hamslice: I texted Washington

a.hamslice: speaking of

a.hamslices has added Martha.D.C.W to the group chat

a.hamslice: Since when are you running for president????

Martha.D.C.W: it was supposed to be a secret

Martha.D.C.W: did George tell you

Martha.D.C.W: he goes excited when he talks about it

johnlawn: MOM!!!!

Martha.D.C.W: JOHN

burnbetsey: when were you going to tell us????

Martha.D.C.W: when election season came

Martha.D.C.W: sorry

merculeshulligan: apology accepted

Martha.D.C.W: so I can at least count on some of you to be in my campaign right

johnlawn: yes

a.hamslice: yes

laffytaffy: yes

a.burr: yes

a.burr has added jmadisin to the group chat

jmadisin: yes

jmadisin has added jefferoni.n.cheese to the group chat

jefferoni.n.cheese: maybe

Martha.D.C.W: that's alright Thomas you're not my son

jefferoni.n.cheese: mOM YOU DONT MEAN THAT

Martha.D.C.W: jk I'm sorry tom

a.hamslice: no she's not

jefferoni.n.cheese: who asked you Hamilton

jmadisin has removed jefferoni.n.cheese from the group chat

jmadisin: it's better to do it early before any drama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I'm sorry for this being late and also for me being terrible. I hope you enjoyed it!!!
> 
> Translations:  
> Ferme ta bouche américaine putain. - Shut your goddamn American mouth.
> 
> Je ne me soucie pas. Lèche mon cul.- I don't care. Lick my asshole.
> 
> Next Chapter: dad schuyler, dadington and mom Martha walk into a bar


	10. 250 in the Betting Pot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW THIS IS LATE I hope you enjoy it anyway <3<3<3
> 
> Names:  
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha  
> maria.carey= maria  
> dolls.maddy= dolley  
> deartheo= theodosia  
> P.Schuyler = dad schuyler

P.Schuyler has sent a message to G.Washington and Martha.D.C.W 

P.Schuyler: I heard that someone was running for President.

Martha.D.C.W: goddamn it George

G.Washington: it wasn't me!!!!

P.Schuyler: It was Eliza. You must image how startled I was to receive an excited phone call at 11 PM from Eliza.

Martha.D.C.W: don't all three of your children call you late at night

P.Schuyler: stay in your lane Martha

Martha.D.C.W: fucking fight me Schuyler

G.Washington: the P stands for punk

P.Schuyler: I don't deserve this.

Martha.D.C.W: yes you do

P.Schuyler: Anyway, Eliza is making me find a house for the poly squad since Aaron Burr is joining them.

P.Schuyler: I wasn't aware that Burr was wooing my daughter.

G.Washington: It started with Burr and Hamilton shamelessly flirting with each other at work and snowballed. When doesn't it ever start with Hamilton, though?

P.Schuyler: That's true.

Martha.D.C.W: Leave the poor boy alone.

P.Schuyler: He's too queer for his own good.

Martha.D.C.W: I'm too queer for my own good, yet here I am, running for president.

G.Washington: Get.

G.Washington: Rekt.

P.Schuyler: You two are the worst.

 

.

 

a.burr has entered the group chat

a.burr: screaming

a.burr: why is there screaming

burnbetsey: I JUST GOT A CALL FROM MY DAD ABOUT A HOUSE THAT WE CAN GO LOOK AT

johnlawn: ALEX

johnlawn: ELIZA

johnlawn: STOP SCREAMING

merculeshulligan: im going to cry if you don't stop

a.hamslice: I'm sorry babe

merculeshulligan: :(((((((((((((

a.hamslice: <3<3<3

merculeshulligan: <3<3<3

laffytaffy: Eliza we're divorcing

burnbetsey: you love me too much to

laffytaffy: you're right

angel: gags

maria.carey: let them live angelica

angel: no

margaritaville: Old Woman Shouts at Clouds™

angel: IM NOT OLD

angel: HAMILTON IS OLDER THAN ME

a.hamslice: DO NOT SLANDER MY NAME LIKE THIS

a.burr: it's true tho

a.hamslice has left the group chat

angel: BURR IS ALSO OLDER THAN ME

a.burr has left the group chat

margaritaville: this is better than I could have imagined

Martha.D.C.W: why are y'all always acting like children

maria.carey: it's because we are children compared to you

maria.carey: wait 

maria.carey: sHIT

maria.carey: I DIDNT MEAN IT

Martha.D.C.W has removed maria.carey from the group chat 

Martha.D.C.W: I will not stand to be disrespected like that

deartheo: IM SCREAMING

laffytaffy: THIS IT TOO WILD 

johnlawn: WHY IS THIS MY LIFE

merculeshulligan: I just want to go back to sleep :((((

burnbetsey: babe we have to go to work

merculeshulligan: I know :((((((((

angel: MULLIGAN IS OLDER THAN ME TOO

angel: THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OLDER THAN ME  
IN THIS CHAT PEGGY

merculeshulligan has removed angel from the group chat

merculeshulligan: it's too early to argue with her

burnbetsey has added a.burr, a.hamslice, angel, maria.carey, and jefferoni.n.cheese to the group chat

jmadisin: why must you do this elizA

burnbetsey: I like the discourse

johnlawn: eliza- chaotic evil

johnlawn: just skipped right over neutral to evil

burnbetsey: let chaos reign

laffytaffy: you okay babe???

burnbetsey: I'm tired

jefferoni.n.cheese: it's great to be back

a.hamslice: leave

jefferoni.n.cheese: rUDE

jefferoni.n.cheese: MOM

Martha.D.C.W: Thomas you're a grown man

Martha.D.C.W: fist fight it out or something

a.hamslice: GLADLY

a.hamslice: COME HERE YOU FUCKBOI

jefferoni.n.cheese: SQUARE UP YOU TINY MAN

johnlawn: my money's on Alex

johnlawn: twenty bucks

jmadisin: it's my duty as a bf to bet on tom

merculeshulligan: has his bourgeoisie ass ever been in a fist fight

merculeshulligan: 20 on Alex

jmadisin: you're right

jmadisin: ten bucks on alex

jefferoni.n.cheese: bABE

jmadisin: sorry <3

deartheo: idk tjeff seems like he's hiding some muscle under those horribly patterned suits

deartheo: 20 bucks on thomas

jefferoni.n.cheese: thank you???

a.burr: you're wrong theo

deartheo: put your money where your mouth is, punk

a.burr: fine

a.burr: fifteen on Alex

a.hamslice: thanks babe

a.burr: <3<3

a.hamslice: any last minute bets before we fight

Martha.D.C.W: 20 on Alex

laffytaffy: ten on Tjeff

burnbetsey: five on Alex

johnlawn: minimum of ten Eliza

burnbetsey: fine. 15 on Alex 

angel: twenty on hamilton

maria.carey: 20 on Hamilton

dolls.maddy: 30 on Thomas

margaritaville: 20 on jeffs

Martha.D.C.W has added G.Washinngton to the group chat

Martha.D.C.W: bet on who will win the fight between Alex and Thomas

G.Washington: 30 on Alex

G.Washington: He may be small but he's got stamina and a fire in him.

a.hamslice: HA 

a.hamslice: OKAY LETS DO THIS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always comments and kudos are very much appreciated uwu
> 
> Next chapter: ????????????


	11. Things Are "Dealt With"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea where this is going tbh but I'll keep writing for y'all. Also just a warning but it gets kinda sexual near the end!
> 
> Names:  
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha  
> maria.carey= maria  
> dolls.maddy= dolley  
> deartheo= theodosia  
> P.Schuyler = dad schuyler

johnlawn has sent a video RIP.mp3 to the group chat

jefferoni.n.cheese: STOP IMMORTALIZING MY SHAME

jefferoni.n.cheese: ITS ALREADY ON TWITTER AND YOUTUBE

jefferoni.n.cheese: NOT ONLY IS MY BODY HURT BUT SO IS MY PRIDE

a.hamslice: GOOD BECAUSE I WON FAIR AND SQUARE

merculeshulligan: REST IN FUCKIGG PIECES JEFFERSON

G.Washington: I didn't know this was to be an actual fight in my office.

G.Washington: There is blood all over the break room.

deartheo: I was wrong about the fight but damn was I right about tjeffs being ripped

jefferoni.n.cheese: ;))))))))

jmadisin: stay in your lane theo

dolls.maddy: ^^^^^^

laffytaffy: I knew what Thomas was hiding and I still lost ten dollars

jefferoni.n.cheese: to be fair Alex fought like he fucks

jefferoni.n.cheese: classless and with no precision

a.hamslice: wELL YOU FIGHT LIKE YOU FUCK TOO

a.hamslice: YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW HOW TO MOVE YOUR BODY

angel: ^^^^

laffytaffy: ^^^^

a.hamslice: LETS GO FOR ROUND TWO DICKWEED

jefferoni.n.cheese has left the group chat

jmadisin: we've made it to the hospital btw

burnbetsey: thank you James

jmadisin: np

jmadisin has left the group chat

johnlawn: the evil is gone

a.burr: Alex stop moving I'm trying to patch you up

a.hamslice: IM A NATURALLY JITTERY PERSON

G.Washington: or it's the twelve cups of coffee you drink throughout the day and the constant lack of sleep

a.hamslice: please don't expose me like this, sir

margaritaville: TBH stop saying sir it sounds kinky

a.hamslice has removed margaritaville from the group chat

a.hamslice: I'm sorry about them, sir

G.Washington has left the group chat

angel: IM SCREAMING

laffytaffy: Hot Mess™

deartheo: HOLY SHIT

Martha.D.C.W: IM CRYING AND NEVER LETTING HIM LIVE THAT DOWN

maria.carey: my favorite part of the video is when Thomas calls Alex a demon child

merculeshulligan: mine is the first punch Alex throws because Jeffs is so completely shocked lmao

Martha.D.C.W: mine is when Thomas taps out

a.hamslice: AYYYYYYE ME TOO

burnbetsey: mine is how Thomas just continued to lay on the floor after the fight

angel: mine is the horrified screech Jefferson makes

angel has added margaritaville to the group chat

margaritaville: mine is when Tjeff bites Alex 

deartheo: LMFAO SAME

dolls.maddy: iconic

johnlawn: my fav part of the fight was kissing Alex after

a.hamslice: ily <3<3<3

Martha.D.C.W: that's gay

johnlawn: YOU'RE GAY

Martha.D.C.W: YOUR POINT???

margaritaville: tag yourself I'm "YOU'RE GAY"

a.hamslice: I'm John

merculeshulligan: im Martha

burnbetsey: I'm "thats gay"

a.burr: I'm "YOUR POINT"

laffytaffy: I'm Alex

dolls.maddy: I'm "ily"

angel: I'm "<3<3<3"

deartheo: I'm gay

Martha.D.C.W: I'm "???"

johnlawn: same tbh

laffytaffy: I'm emo holy shit

a.hamslice: ????

laffytaffy: I've never realized how smol Jonathan is

johnlawn: 1) I'm not that small

merculeshulligan: yeah you are

johnlawn: 2) that's not my name

laffytaffy: you're an inch short than alex

johnlawn: BUT IM MORE MUSCULAR

a.hamslice: but you're an inch shorter than me

a.burr: and me

johnlawn: ILL SLAM DUNK BOTH OF YOU

a.burr: objection I'm perfect and do not deserve it

burnbetsey: sustained

johnlawn: THIS IS UNFAIR I CAN CARRY ELIZA THO

merculeshulligan: YEAH BUT YOURE STILL SMOL AND WE LOVE YOU FOR IT

johnlawn: AHHHHHHHHHHH

johnlawn has left the group chat

laffytaffy: oh boy

 

.

 

laffytaffy has added johnlawn to the group chat

laffytaffy: I dealt with him and everything is good now

johnlawn: by "dealt with" they meant made me orgasm

laffytaffy: HA

laffytaffy has removed johnlawn from the group chat

angel: YALL FUCKIGG WILD

Martha.D.C.W: THIS NEEDS TO STOP IMMEDIATELY

a.burr: WE ARE AT WORK

laffytaffy: come to my office and we'll talk about it

 

.

 

laffytaffy: things are dealt with and everything is good now

burnbetsey: y'all didn't

a.burr: by "dealt with" they meant made me orgasm

deartheo: IM SCREAMING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am tired™ but y'alls comments and kudos are keeping me alive™. And I might post a HAMBURRGER fic once I finish and revise it so y'all know.
> 
> Next Chapter: house hunting gets kinky


	12. Oops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaahah I'm stressed and late but here's another chapter!!!
> 
> Names:  
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha  
> maria.carey= maria  
> dolls.maddy= dolley  
> deartheo= theodosia  
> P.Schuyler = dad schuyler

burnbetsey has added johnlawn, G.Washingon, and jmadisin to the group chat

burnbetsey: what's the game plan

a.hamslice: E L I Z A

johnlawn: not again

burnbetsey: WHATS THE GAME PLAN

merculeshulligan: I drive Laf Alex and John to work then come back home

a.burr: Eliza and I write out the check list and make space on our phone for pics and live-text the experience

johnlawn: I work

a.hamslice: ^^^^

laffytaffy: ^^^^

burnbetsey: when herc gets home we head off to the house and I call my dad to tell him we are on our way

angel: the rest of the chat gives moral support and act as the voice of reason

burnbetsey: OKAY GOOD

johnlawn: babe

a.burr: Eliza come kiss me

burnbetsey: omw

 

.

 

a.burr: we're pulling up to the house now

burnbetsey has sent pictures (john)lawn.jpeg and front.jpeg to the group chat

maria.carey: damn that's a nice house

a.hamslice: can WE EVEN AFFORD THAT

Martha.D.C.W: did you forget that 2/3 of the poly squad came from money??

G.Washington: plus all of your combined incomes??

a.hamslice: oh yea

johnlawn: ,,, anyway

merculeshulligan: DOWN WITH THE BOURGEOIS 

a.hamslice: SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS

laffytaffy: DID YOU JUST CALL 2/3 OF YOUR DATEMATES TYRANTS 

deartheo: same

dolls.maddy: I relate

jmadisin: dolley stfu I'm literally always giving you tons of money

dolls.maddy has left the group chat

jmadisin has added dolls.maddy to the group chat

a.burr: Eliza I see your dad

burnbetsey: remember to shake his hand

johnlawn: ahhhh I remember when I first met Philip

a.hamslice: WHY DO YOU GET TO CALL HIM PHILIP WHEN I CALL HIM SIR OR MR SCHUYLER

laffytaffy: it's because he liked you at first then realized that you're a bad influence

a.hamslice: WHAT

johnlawn: I have him on speed dial lmao

a.hamslice: WHAT THE FUCKING

a.burr: I went in for a handshake and he pulled me into a half hug, patted my back and said "Welcome to the family, Aaron"

a.hamslice has left the group chat

Martha.D.C.W: y'all this is too much

margaritaville: IM FUCKIGG CRYING

margaritaville: LMAO THERES LITERALLY A SCHUYLER SQUAD CHAT DEDICATED TO OUR DAD SHIT TALKING DIFFERENT PEOPLE

angel: DONT EXPOSE OUR FATHER

burnbetsey: STOP THIS

burnbetsey has added a.hamslice to the group chat

burnbetsey has sent pictures living-room.jpeg, kitchen1/2jpeg, kitchen2/2jpeg, and dining-room.jpeg to the group chat

deartheo: DAMN

merculeshulligan: I KNOW RIGHT

a.burr: big kitchen, study or office, lots of closet space, several bathrooms, pet friendly, garden, living room for entertaining, big bedroom, spare bedroom(s)

a.burr: that's the list of  
requirements

jmadisin: you might want to limit that bc it seems a bit specific

merculeshulligan: lmao it's met like 4 of those already from what we've seen

johnlawn: what ones so far

burnbetsey: big kitchen, pet friendly, garden, and living-room

laffytaffy: wow okay

a.burr has sent pictures masterbathroom1/2.jpeg, masterbathroom2/2.jpeg, fullbathroom1.jpeg, fullbathroom2.jpeg, and halfbathroom.jpeg to the group chat

a.burr: it has one big master bath, 2 full baths, and one half bath

a.burr has sent pictures walkincloset1/3.jpeg, walkincloset2/3.jpeg, and walkincloset3/3.jpeg to the group chat

a.burr: the walk-in closet on the master bedroom is huge 

a.burr: there is probably more closet space in the spare bedrooms

burnbetsey: yeah hold on let me get the pics

merculeshulligan: big kitchen, pet friendly, garden, living-room, several bathrooms, and lots of closet space are a check so far

burnbetsey has sent pictures masterbedroom1/4.jpeg, masterbedroom2/4.jpeg, masterbedroom3/4.jpeg, masterbedroom4/4.jpeg, office.jpeg, sparebedroom1.jpeg, sparebedroom2.jpeg, sparecloset1.jpeg, sparecloset2.jpeg, and babygirlLaf.jpeg to the group chat

deartheo: WHAT THE FUCK

burnbetsey: FUCK

burnbetsey: SHIT

burnbetsey: HOW DO YOU DELETE PICTURES

Martha.D.C.W: you can't 

johnlawn: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

margaritaville: LMAO ANGELICA SHOT WATER OUT OF HER NOSE

angel: ELIZABETH SCHUYLER

burnbetsey: IM SORRY DONT TELL DAD

a.hamslice: TBQH it's a really nice picture of Laf

laffytaffy: I know right?? I'm not even mad

merculeshulligan: they are literally tied in ropes and there's cum dripping from their face???

jmadisin: the framing is really good

merculeshulligan: DONT ACT LIKE YOURE NOT LOOKING AT THEIR DICK

johnlawn: you guys realize our boss is in this chat right

G.Washington has left the group chat

dolls.maddy: CRYING

laffytaffy: FUCK 

burnbetsey: IM SO SORRY

a.burr: well it's not like Washington hasn't walked in on you fucking before right?

laffytaffy has removed a.burr from the group chat

maria.carey: this is so messy TBH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote a little smut thing because I write smut when I'm stressed. Basically, if you wanna know how Laf and John deal with things at the end of last chapter its there. I'll probably post more little one-shots from the Hot Mess™ AU sometime. *awkward finger guns*
> 
> As always kudos and comments are the light of my day!!
> 
> Next Chapter: let's talk about sex, time for Doggo, and enter: ???


	13. >;(((((((((((

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM OFFICIALLY AHEAD OF SCHEDULE SO THERE SHOULD BE A NEW CHAPTER IN 2 DAYS ON THE DOT
> 
> Names:  
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha  
> maria.carey= maria  
> dolls.maddy= dolley  
> deartheo= theodosia  
> P.Schuyler = dad schuyler  
> kingly= king george

burnbetsey has added a.burr to the group chat

burnbetsey: everything is good now and things are dealt with

a.burr: wait so Laf isn't a top

laffytaffy: I'm a verse

burnbetsey: ^^^^^

johnlawn: ^^^^

merculeshulligan: I'm a top

merculeshulligan: well technically I'm a switch but I top 99% of the time

johnlawn: and we all know Alex is a bottom

a.hamslice: IM A POWER BOTTOM

merculeshulligan: no you're not

a.hamslice: lmao you're right

a.hamslice: but I switch sometimes

laffytaffy: like once a year

deartheo: I'm a top

Martha.D.C.W: same

dolls.maddy: I'm a bottom

margaritaville: switch

angel: Peggy is blushing so hard rn

margaritaville: STFU ANGELICA

angel: I'm not the one revealing my disposition during sex :)))))))

maria.carey: angel and I are verses

angel has left the group chat

maria.carey has added angel to the group chat

jmadisin: I'm a top

johnlawn: so Jefferson is a bottom

jmadisin: ,,,

jmadisin: yes

johnlawn: herc you owe me 20

a.hamslice: I'm disgusted that both Jefferson and I are bottoms

merculeshulligan: DAMN IT

deartheo: this friend group is weird

a.hamslice: the whole chat but Aaron has said what they are

a.burr: fine

a.burr: I'm a bottom

a.hamslice: ayyyyyyye I'll switch for you babe

burnbetsey: he's really embarrassed awwww

johnlawn: it's not like we haven't talked about sex before???

a.burr: but that was when you asked if it would affect my dysphoria???

a.burr: the only one who's touched me in a sexual way was Laf really

burnbetsey: we just don't want to rush you into it because it can be kinda

burnbetsey: overwhelming 

a.burr: I understand but y'all don't have to treat me like I'm going to break

a.hamslice: ily

a.burr: ily2 !!!!

johnlawn: ily3

laffytaffy: ily4

merculeshulligan: ily5

burnbetsey: ily6 <3<3<3

angel: gags

maria.carey: let them live

Martha.D.C.W: are y'all buying that house or what

merculeshulligan: most likely but we have to wait for the rest of the poly squad to see it

a.burr: it meets all of our initial requirements

dolls.maddy: how much is it

burnbetsey: about 422,000

johnlawn: ALEX JUST FAINTED

dolls.maddy: WHAT THE FUCK

burnbetsey: it's a big house

burnbetsey: we have the money

angel: dad set aside 200,000 for each of his children for when we buy houses 

margaritaville: perks of being rich

johnlawn: HE WOKE UP AND FAINTED AGAIN

Martha.D.C.W: You're gonna kill the poor boy

laffytaffy: I'd be lying if I said my family didn't set aside 100,000 for the same reason

a.burr: My parents left an inheritance but I don't wanna kill Alex??? 

johnlawn: Once my dad finds out he will shove money at me

burnbetsey: It should be enough

deartheo: I need to sit down

a.hamslice: honestly what the fuck

a.burr: I thought John and his father don't get along

laffytaffy: lmao you have to tell him John

johnlawn: fine

johnlawn: my old man is a piece of work

johnlawn: we disagree on a lot of things and he wanted me to be a lawyer and he accused Alex of being a bad boyfriend/influence and doesn't really understand the whole polyamory thing

johnlawn: but when I cut off contact w/ him he said that he wouldn't try to push me anymore and try to support me

johnlawn: we have a strained relationship

laffytaffy: do you need kisses

johnlawn: ,,, 

johnlawn: yes

burnbetsey: his mom is really nice though

maria.carey: you should talk to your dad

johnlawn: ,,,

johnlawn: you're right

 

.

 

johnlawn: okay

burnbetsey: okay??

laffytaffy: he called his father

a.hamslice: how did it go??

johnlawn: it went alright

johnlawn: I caught him up to date on my life and he told me he'd give me the money set aside for when I buy a house 

johnlawn: also I cried a little

a.burr: are you okay??

johnlawn: yeah but I'm too exhausted to get into detail rn

merculeshulligan: that's alright babe we can talk later

angel: how about everyone come over to our place and we can have a horror movie marathon

burnbetsey: sounds good

jmadisin: can I bring thomas

maria.carey: only if you promise to make him behave and not vape

jmadisin: my hand to the Bible

dolls.maddy: Doggo squad is coming

laffytaffy: lmao what the fuck is the Doggo squad

dolls.maddy: It's the 'Do' from dolley, 'gg' from Peggy, and the 'O' from theo

deartheo: dolley

deartheo: sweety

johnlawn: keep working at that name kid

jmadisin: I'm disappointed 

dolls.maddy: >;(((((((((((

Martha.D.C.W: George and I are coming

 

.

 

dolls.maddy has started a new chat with margaritaville and deartheo

dolls.maddy has named the group chat "TheMarDol Squad"

deartheo: at least it's better than Doggo

dolls.maddy: SHUT UP OKAY

margaritaville: are we all cuddle buddies for these horror movies

deartheo: yeah

dolls.maddy: I call middle spot

deartheo: but you always get middle spot

dolls.maddy: it's because I'm the smolest

margaritaville: Im about as smol as you tho

dolls.maddy: FIGHT ME

margaritaville: ONLY IF ITS WITH YOUR MOUTH

deartheo: ILL FIGHT BOTH OF YOU WITH MY MOUTH

dolls.maddy: AHHHHHHHHH

deartheo: AHHHHHHHH

margaritaville: AHHHHHHHHHHH

 

.

 

margaritaville has entered the group chat

margaritaville has named the group chat "Y'all Wild"

laffytaffy has named the group chat "Hot Mess™ Squad"

margaritaville: okay fair

laffytaffy has sent pictures steptome.jpeg and youcomeintomyhouse.jpeg to Hot Mess™ Squad

margaritaville: chill

johnlawn: why is angel choking on her water

merculeshulligan: ????

Martha.D.C.W: is anyone even paying attention to the movie anymore

angel: GUYS

burnbetsey: what

angel: so you knOW THAT DUDE THAT I MET WHILE STUDYING ABROAD WHOS HELLA CUTE AND SUPER GAY

a.hamslice: you mean that shitposter who is faintly related to the British Royal family

angel: YEAH THAT ONE

margaritaville: how could we forget

angel: HES COMING TO AMERICA

merculeshulligan: add him to the chat so we can initiate him to the clan

deartheo: where did that come from???

merculeshulligan: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

angel has added kingly to Hot Mess™ Squad

kingly: sup bitches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay since I'm ahead of schedule I have more time to work on Hot Mess™ One-Shots that work along with the storyline. I also have HamBurrger fic that needs to be finished and posted so there's that.
> 
> Next Chapter: the king's man, getting ready for a wedding, and settling in


	14. Get Memed on Punk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tired and been thinking all day about eliza/herc
> 
> Names:  
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha  
> maria.carey= maria  
> dolls.maddy= dolley  
> deartheo= theodosia  
> P.Schuyler = dad schuyler  
> kingly= king george  
> sea.burymealive= samuel

margaritaville: do you every regret the things you do angel

angel: no

johnlawn: it's alright I'll do the regretting for you

kingly: What is that supposed to mean?

kingly: ***What is that supposed to meme?

johnlawn: okay you know what you punk

kingly: ANGELICA THEYRE BULLYING ME

angel: my sweet child

angel: stop using outdated memes

kingly: This is not how I imagined this going.

merculeshulligan: SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS

kingly: I don't deserve this. I pay taxes. I give to charity. I have done NOTHING to deserve this.

kingly: I came out to have a good time and honestly I feel so attacked right now.

merculeshulligan: let's throw him and his shriveled memes in the trash

angel: okay I didn't add this gay for us to drag him for being a shit poster

angel: we have to hook him and his penpal up

a.hamslice: who's his penpal

angel: don't freak out

a.hamslice: ????

angel: Samuel Seabury

a.hamslice has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

burnbetsey: Angelica you're tearing this family apart

kingly: wait what

johnlawn: Alex kicked his ass during college and they are enemies

kingly: WHAT

merculeshulligan: to be fair Seabury was a dick

laffytaffy has added a.hamslice to the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.hamslice: never will I ever help seabury

merculeshulligan: gonna have to take a rain check

a.burr: give up on poly squad help

burnbetsey: you can do better George

johnlawn: up to Alex on whether we help

laffytaffy: how you say 

laffytaffy: get memed tf on punk

kingly: did you just Rick Roll me

a.hamslice: GET MEMED ON 

kingly: angel

angel: what

kingly: I think I'm in love

a.burr: leave

angel: if you hook them up then seabury might stop bothering you

 

.

 

a.hamslice has sent a private message to sea.burymealive

a.hamslice: listen I can hook you up with that penpal of yours

sea.burymealive: What do you mean, Hamilton? How do you know of my penpal?

a.hamslice: he's coming to America and excited to see you

a.hamslice: he's friends with Angelica Schuyler and currently dropping old school memes in our group chat

sea.burymealive: Why do you want us to 'hook up'? 

a.hamslice: maybe then he'll stop using his crust old memes in our chat

sea.burymealive: Unlikely.

sea.burymealive: He loves his meme.

a.hamslice: goddamn it seabury

sea.burymealive: What?

a.hamslice: do you want to kiss him

sea.burymealive: What? That is none of your business.

a.hamslice: just fucking go on a date with him or smth

a.hamslice: I'm 201% sure that he wants to fuck make out with your face

a.hamslice: hold on ill ask him

sea.burymealive: Alexander, don't you dare.

.

a.hamslice has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.hamslice: George do you want to fucking make out with Seabury's face

kingly: ????

kinkly: of fucking course

kingly: that's why I'm coming to america

a.hamslice: okay hold on I'm gonna fix this

a.hamslice has added sea.burymealive to the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.hamslice: read up

sea.burymealive: What?

sea.burymealive: Wait, George. Are you serious?

kingly: I am, Sam.

kingly: Sam, I am.

sea.burymealive: Then, I will be glad to "fucking make out" with your face when you get here. :-)

deartheo: awww

johnlawn: ew

sea.burymealive: Thank you, Hamilton.

a.hamslice has removed sea.burymealive and kingly from the Hot Mess™ Squad

angel: wow rude

 

.

 

angel has entered the Schuyler Squad

angel: okay so Maria and I have out dress fittings tomorrow and then we'll be going for cake tasting

P.Schuyler: Do you need any money?

maria.carey: we should be fine Philip

P.Schuyler: Okay, if you need anything I'm just a call away.

angel: thank you dad

P.Schuyler: :~)

margaritaville: okay so let me get this straight

burnbetsey: gay

burnbetsey: we are talking about Angelica rn

margaritaville: okay so let me get this gay

margaritaville: alex, herc, john, and George are the bridesmen

angel: yes

margaritaville: and eliza, theo, dolley, and Martha are the bridesmaids

maria.carey: yes

margaritaville: what does that make me an laf

angel: brides people, you'll be on the side with the bridesmen wearing a suit

maria.carey: and Laf will be on the side with the bridesmaids wearing a dress

margaritaville: damn okay thank you

angel: we've been planning nonstop

P.Schuyler: That's my girl! :~)

burnbetsey: okay while we are on the subject of important life decisions

burnbetsey: the poly squad has decide to buy the house

P.Schuyler: That's great! Just send the money my way and I'll settle the the deal. You'll be able to move in by the end of the week!

burnbetsey: Thanks dad!!!

P.Schuyler: Look at my children. I'm so proud!

angel: we love you too dad

margaritaville: we love you

burnbetsey: <3<3<3

 

.

 

burnbetsey has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

burnbetsey: WE OWN A HOUSE

johnlawn: IM SO EXCITED

deartheo: CONGRATS

dolls.maddy: omg congratulations!!!

a.burr: thank you!!!

merculeshulligan: I'll miss the apartment :,(

a.hamslice: aren't you excited for a super king sized bed

merculeshulligan: JK FUCK THAT APARTMENT IM READY FOR A SUPER KING SIZED BED

laffytaffy: I'm ready to not be bullied for my beauty products

johnlawn: we are giving you your own bathroom since we don't want something like The Incident™

a.hamslice: DONT TALK ABOUT THE INCIDENT™

jmadisin: wait what's the incident

johnlawn: you mean The Incident™

jmadisin: yeah sorry

jmadisin: wait what's The Incident™

burnbetsey: we don't talk about it

jmadisin: ?????

johnlawn: we don't talk about it

laffytaffy: I just called George and he said we could have the day off to move

merculeshulligan: I just finished talking to a moving company

a.hamslice: IM SO EMO IM GONNA CRY

a.burr: Come kiss me Alex

a.hamslice: OKAY

maria.carey: so has Aaron basically moved in

johnlawn: pretty much yeah

laffytaffy: most of his clothes are here

burnbetsey: and we keep extra period supplies

merculeshulligan: his cat lives here too

jmadisin: I'll miss that cat

merculeshulligan: really???

jmadisin: yes

 

.

 

laffytaffy: I CALL THIS BATHROOM

a.hamslice: YOU CANT HAVE THE ENTIRE MASTER BATHROOM

laffytaffy: YES I CAN 

laffytaffy: JUST TRY AND MAKE ME LEAVE

merculeshulligan: DONT MAKE MS COME IN THERE

burnbetsey: come help the movers you two

laffytaffy: ugh fine

a.burr: Alex set down the desk and the laid face down in it

johnlawn: if you smack his ass he'll get up real quick

a.burr: okay hold on

burnbetsey: great job Jonathan they probably aren't going to help for a while

laffytaffy: let them live

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!! I didn't expect any kingbury but here we are.
> 
> Next chapter: family reunions and campaigning


	15. Enter: The Entire Fucking Laurens Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow so I spent an hour and a half reading a fic rec and its 2:16 in the morning also I didn't proofread this
> 
> Names:  
> a.hamslice= alex  
> burnbetsey= eliza  
> johnlawn= john  
> laffytaffy= laf  
> merculeshulligan= herc  
> angel= angelica  
> margaritaville= peggy  
> a.burr= burr  
> jefferoni.n.cheese= jefferson  
> jmadisin= madison  
> G.Washington= george  
> Martha.D.C.W= martha  
> maria.carey= maria  
> dolls.maddy= dolley  
> deartheo= theodosia  
> P.Schuyler = dad schuyler  
> kingly= king george  
> sea.burymealive= samuel

laffytaffy: CODE RED CODE RED

burnbetsey: ARE YOU OKAY

burnbetsey: WHATS WRONG

laffytaffy: WHY IS HENRY LAURENS IS AT THE HOUSE

johnlawn: WHAT 

a.hamslice: DID YOU LET HIM IN

a.hamslice: IM NOT DRESSED YET

laffytaffy: NEITHER AM I BUT I WENT TO THE DOOR

johnlawn: ILL GO TALK TO HIM

laffytaffy: HE SMILED AT ME AND WAS LIKE "Hello Lafayette it's great to see you again"

deartheo: I don't see what the big deal is??? Didn't they reconcile???

johnlawn: THAT DOESNT MEAN I EXPECTED HIM TO SHOW UP RANDOMLY

jmadisin: okay calm down

a.burr: alex 

a.burr: laf 

a.burr: get dressed

 

.

 

johnlawn: okay

angel: STOP SAYING OKAY AND TELL US WHAT HAPPENED

laffytaffy: Henry Laurens showed up on our doorstep and we called off work

a.hamslice: I made family breakfast for us

johnlawn: you made breakfast to impress my dad

a.hamslice: it worked

johnlawn: anyway,,,

burnbetsey: what happened

johnlawn: him and my mom are up here to visit and apparently some of my siblings are coming to visit during the weekend

merculeshulligan: WHAT

a.burr: it gets better

johnlawn: I said okay

burnbetsey: are they staying with us??

a.hamslice: no they're staying in some hotel

merculeshulligan: thank god

dolls.maddy: why'd they come up to visit

johnlawn: to reconnect???

johnlawn: idk???

a.hamslice: does this mean we can't have sex everyday

angel has removed a.hamslice from the Hot Mess™ Squad

laffytaffy has added a.hamslice to the Hot Mess™ Squad

laffytaffy: we could do it in the office

Martha.D.C.W: I'm telling George

laffytaffy has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.hamslice has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

johnlawn has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.burr has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

margaritaville: are yOU KIDDING ME

burnbetsey: God give me strength

burnbetsey has added johnlawn, a.hamslice, a.burr, and laffytaffy to the Hot Mess™ Squad

merculeshulligan: have I ever said that Angelica is literally so beautiful

merculeshulligan: she just walked into my studio looking like a model

angel: OMG HERC THANK YOU

merculeshulligan sent a picture angelfromheaven.jpeg to the Hot Mess™ Squad

maria.carey: IM SO GAY

margaritaville: LOOK AT MY SISTER

burnbetsey: SLAY MY QUEEN

johnlawn: I love watching the Schuyler siblings in action

a.hamslice: I'm so alive for Angelica just slaying my heart

angel: y'all need to stop I'm gonna cry

angel: when did y'all become this nice??

merculeshulligan has sent a picture THEDRESS.jpeg to the Hot Mess™ Squad

merculeshulligan: LOOK AT HER

angel: okay herc is actually crying

merculeshulligan: YOURE SO BEAUTIFUL

maria.carey: LOOK AT MY FIANCÉ 

maria.carey: SHES SO BEAUTIFUL I LOVE HER

Martha.D.C.W: this chat is so gay tbh

 

.

 

Martha.D.C.W has added johnlawn, a.hamslice, laffytaffy, a.burr, jmadisin, and jefferoni.n.cheese to the group chat

Martha.D.C.W has changed the name of the group chat to "Political Bros"

Martha.D.C.W: rt if you wanna be a part of my campaign

a.hamslice: rt

laffytaffy: rt

jmadisin: rt

johnlawn: rt

a.burr: rt

jefferoni.n.cheese: rt

Martha.D.C.W: okay good

Martha.D.C.W: a public statement is being published tomorrow

Martha.D.C.W: Alex and James are going to be doing policy and speech writing

jmadisin: okay

a.hamslice: HELL YEAH

Martha.D.C.W: Aaron and Thomas will be doing press briefing

jefferoni.n.cheese: gotcha

a.burr: okay

Martha.D.C.W: John and Laf will be co-campaign managers and Alex will also campaign strategize with Laf

Martha.D.C.W: okay got it?

laffytaffy: oui

johnlawn: yes ma'am

a.hamslice: wait

Martha.D.C.W: what

a.hamslice: does this mean we'll have to travel with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha so Im working on some smut
> 
> Comment and kudos help warm my frozen heart and are always appreciated!!!
> 
> Next chapter: conflict


	16. Johnlawn Appreciation Squad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is so much going on in this chapter tbh and it's a lot longer than I expected when I set out to write it
> 
> Lbr this chapter is chaos
> 
>  
> 
> New Names:  
> H.Laurens= henry laurens sr  
> momlawn= eleanor laurens  
> martha.laurens= martha laurens  
> rustlemyjimmys= james laurens  
> marylawn= mary laurens  
> junior= henry laurens jr/ hank

Martha.D.C.W: I mean

Martha.D.C.W: the first caucus isn't til june 

Martha.D.C.W: that gives you plenty of time to sort things out

a.hamslice: but we just got settled into the house???

johnlawn: my family has come to visit after all of these years

a.burr: we'll have to leave Eliza and Herc 

Martha.D.C.W: we'll figure it out

Martha.D.C.W: in the meantime just sleep on it

jefferoni.n.cheese: james and I will be chill with it

laffytaffy: fuck off thomas

 

.

 

johnlawn has added H.Laurens, momlawn, martha.laurens, rustlemyjimmys, marylawn, and junior to the group chat

marylawn has changed the group chat name to "Johnlawn Appreciation Squad"

johnlawn: stOP

johnlawn has changed the group chat name to "Lawn Squad"

junior has changed the group chat name to "Johnlawn Appreciation Squad"

johnlawn: gUYS

momlawn: so when are we having this reunion picnic

rustlemyjimmys: John didn't u just buy a house with ur s/os

johnlawn: yeah we can have it in the garden

johnlawn: eliza Alex and Aaron like to garden together

johnlawn: it's coming along pretty nicely

martha.laurens: tbh that's so gay

johnlawn: STOP

H.Laurnes: I love that were a family again

marylawn: that's real lame dad

 

.

 

merculeshulligan has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

merculeshulligan: okay so you know how John's family is coming to visit

laffytaffy: Herc No

merculeshulligan: well

a.hamslice: HERCULES MULLIGAN

burnbetsey: NO

merculeshulligan: Hugh and my mom are coming but my dad has to work

burnbetsey: I might as well call in my whole family

margaritaville: I'll tell dad

angel: maria and I can come

a.burr: are we really hosting three families

deartheo: now that's what I call a party

burnbetsey: is the Doggo squad coming

dolls.maddy: let my shame die

burnbetsey: never

a.hamslice: I'm an orphan

johnlawn: babe

a.burr: let's orphan cuddle

a.hamslice: okay

laffytaffy: BABES

 

.

 

johnlawn: holy shit

jmadisin: what

johnlawn: Hercules' family just arrived 

merculeshulligan: please stop looking at my brother like that

a.hamslice: HA

Martha.D.C.W: it's weird to hit on your boyfriends brother

laffytaffy: have you seen hugh tho

merculeshulligan: WOW OKAY

laffytaffy has sent a picture butHercisbetter.jpeg to the Hot Mess™ Squad

merculeshulligan: STOP

burnbetsey: babe were not gonna leave you for your brother

merculeshulligan: but you admit he's hot

burnbetsey has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

johnlawn has added burnbetsey to the Hot Mess™ Squad

johnlawn: you know maybe I could set him up with junior

margaritaville: lmao wtf is junior a dog

laffytaffy: I think he means his brother Hank

merculeshulligan: Is Hank even queer

johnlawn: he's related to me

a.hamslice: okay true

a.burr: Alex you're getting dirt all over your phone

a.burr: well I'll be damned

a.burr: you weren't wrong about hugh

merculeshulligan: ET TU AARON

a.burr: tbh he is very interested in Alex who is now teaching him to pull weeds

a.burr: here comes Herc's mom

burnbetsey: omw with groceries and the other Schuyler siblings

angel: we got booze

johnlawn: good I'll need it

a.hamslice: herc your mom is so nice

a.hamslice: she complimented my hair twice

a.burr: she told me "You're such a handsome man" and pinched my cheeks

merculeshulligan: John is that your family rolling up

johnlawn: yeah 

a.burr: all of them have freckles

laffytaffy: TBFH THATS SO CUTE

merculeshulligan: HANK IS MAKING THAT FACE THAT JOHN MAKES AT ALEX

merculeshulligan: BUT AT HUGH

jmadisin: y'all wildin

 

.

 

junior has sent a private message to johnlawn

junior: who is that guy

junior: the one that looks like hercules

johnlawn: that's his brother Hugh

johnlawn: why are you interested

junior: is he available

johnlawn: and super gay

junior: I'm gonna talk to him

 

.

 

johnlawn has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

johnlawn: ITS ABOUT TO GET VERY GAY 

merculeshulligan: IS HANK GOING OVER TO HUGH

burnbetsey: IM HOME I WANT TO SEE THE GAY

dolls.maddy: I'm picking theo up from work and heading there

margaritaville: !!!!!!

burnbetsey: jonathon

johnlawn: that's not my name but what 

burnbetsey: is that Martha flirting with angel

Martha.D.C.W: what about me

johnlawn: no my sister Martha

johnlawn: also yeAH SHE IS

merculeshulligan: CODE RED CODE RED

merculeshulligan: OUR PARENTS ARE TALKING 

a.hamslice: Mr Schuyler has arrived

a.hamslice: "Lafayette, glad to see you again :)" 

a.hamslice: HONESTLY WHAT THE FUCK

burnbetsey: take comfort in the fact that John's and Herc's moms like you

a.hamslice: okay true

laffytaffy: Alex come here I wanna braid your hair

a.hamslice: !!!!!!

 

.

 

johnlawn has entered the Johnlawn Appreciation Squad

johnlawn: @junior stop being so gay that's my job

junior: tbh don't @ me like this iLL FIGHT YOU

H.Laurens: boys there's no need to fight

H.Laurens: experiencing same sex attraction is not competition

H.Laurens: but if it was John would win :^)

johnlawn: HA

marylawn: im sCREAMING

rustlemyjimmys: WHAT IS GOING ON

momlawn: Henry, honey

momlawn: no

marylawn: I'll be the first to admit this but Laf is so great tbh

junior: I know right??? They're so cool

rustlemyjimmys: they're ripped

johnlawn: stay in your lane james

momlawn: they know how to braid hair like a champ!!

johnlawn: I know it's so cute??? They are going to do mine after Alex and I'm so gay honestly

 

.

martha.laurens has sent johnlawn a private message

martha.laurens: is Angelica seeing anyone bc I am very gay

johnlawn: actually she's engaged to be married to maria

martha.laurens: OH SHIT

johnlawn: LMAO OH SHIT IS RIGHT MY DUDE

 

.

 

burnbetsey has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

burnbetsey: I love listening to the Laurens family talk bc they have adorable southern accents

merculeshulligan: I love listening to John talk to them bc he slips into a southern accent

angel: why doesn't John speak in an accent like theirs

johnlawn: BC IVE BEEN TRYING HARD TO REPRESS IT IN DAILY LIFE

a.burr: why?? It's very cute!!!!

a.hamslice: 100/10 would like to hear it all of the time

jmadisin: I'd love to hear Johns accent

burnbetsey: Jonathan you shouldn't hold back your accent

johnlawn: ANYWAY LETS EAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout out to my friend that got to see hamilton yesterday and sent me 25 consecutive messages about it before passing out that was nice
> 
> Comments and kudos make this fic even gayer
> 
> Next chapter: picnic continued, hugh/hank, and ot6 gayness


	17. A True Blooded Hot Mess™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha wow it's been so long and I'm sorry. I was on vacation and I should be updating more often now
> 
> The list is too long for names honestly so in not gonna post it

merculeshulligan: this IS NOT A DRILL CODE RED CODE RED

a.hamslice: WHAT THE HELL

a.burr: I honestly just want to eat my corn in peace for once

laffytaffy: I just want to watch him eat that cob of corn in peace for once

angel has removed laffytaffy from the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.hamslice has added laffytaffy to the Hot Mess™ Squad 

a.burr: I came out to have a good time and honestly I'm feeling so attacked right now

laffytaffy: ^^^

merculeshulligan: OKAY BUT GUYS

johnlawn: WHAT

merculeshulligan: I JUST WALKED IN ON HUGH AND HANK

maria.carey: NO

merculeshulligan: I never expected or wanted to walk in on my brother giving a bj but it happened

merculeshulligan: And I Must Die Now™

burnbetsey: he's in the kitchen rn and I think he's having a panic attack brb

a.hamslice: JOHN STOP SCREAMING

johnlawn: I WANTED THEM TOGETHER BUT NOT LIKE THIS

deartheo: this family is fucking crazy

jmadisin: I thank god for sparing me from this 

jmadisin: the only connection is that I have to read through your mess

a.burr: you realize you can leave at any time

jmadisin: wow

jmadisin: RUDE

dolls.maddy: HANK CAME OUT OF THE HOUSE AND PEGGY SHOT LEMONADE OUT THEIR NOSE

burnbetsey: IM SCREAMING HUGH ENTERED THE KITCHEN AND HERC PASSED OUT

a.burr: me and Alex will control John 

a.burr: laf go help Eliza 

laffytaffy: got it boss

 

.

 

johnlawn has sent a private message to junior

johnlawn: REPENT YOU SINNER

junior: IM SORRY

johnlawn: IN MY OWN HOUSE

junior: LISTEN

junior: WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES

junior: BUT FUCKING THAT HUNK IS NOT ON OF MINE

johnlawn: THATS IT KID

johnlawn: YOURE DEAD

 

.

 

burnbetsey has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

burnbetsey: what was that noise

margaritaville: JOHN JUST LAUNCHED HIMSELF AT HANK

a.hamslice: HANK IS SCREAMING AND JOHN IS CHASING HIM

burnbetsey: TAKE CARE OF IT

a.burr: WHAT THE FUCK

angel: lmao I'm reading johns texts to junior and it's not pretty

deartheo: this is

jmadisin: a Hot Mess™???

deartheo: yes thank you

laffytaffy: Hercules is awake but he looks like he's going to throw up

burnbetsey: Hugh is apologizing

burnbetsey: tbh he looks about to cry

a.hamslice: well 

a.hamslice: John has caught junior and they're wrestling on the lawn

angel: Peggy is taking bets and all the Laurens kids are cheering them on

a.burr: the parents look horrified

merculeshulligan: I'll break up this fight

laffytaffy: look out

deartheo: DAMN 

jmadisin: what

dolls.maddy: HERC FUCKING LIFTED JOHN TWO FEET OFF THE GROUND AND PUT HIM OVER HIS SHOULDER

margaritaville has sent a video RIPJOHN.mp3 to the Hot Mess™ Squad

jmadisin: GET #REKT

a.hamslice: "Hello Mrs. Laurens, I'm just going to wait until your son calms down to put him down. How are you?" -Herc

burnbetsey: Hank is getting dirt ALL OVER OUR KITCHEN AND IS NOW MAKING OUT WITH HUGH

burnbetsey: LAF KNOCKED THEIR HEADS TOGETHER

angel: this picnic has been a shit show

 

.

 

P.Schuyler has entered the Schuyler Squad

P.Schuyler: Elizabeth Schuyler

burnbetsey: yes?

P.Schuyler: I'm surprised Alexander wasn't the one causing trouble

angel: PEGGY SHOT LEMONADE OUT THEIR NOSE AGAIN 

margaritaville: EVEN WHEN ALEX HASNT DONE ANYTHING DAD IS DRAGGING HIM IM DEAD

burnbetsey: tbh I'm surprised too

 

.

 

junior has entered the Johnlawn Appreciation Squad

junior: now that that is over,,,

rustlemyjimmys: throwback to when Hank got his ass kicked by John 

momlawn: language

rustlemyjimmys: throwback to when Hank got his butt kicked by John 

junior: you know what

junior: I don't deserve this

marylawn: a little birdie told me that you were up to trouble in the house

junior has left the Johnlawn Appreciation Squad

martha.laurens: LMAO

 

.

 

angel has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

angel: Maria and I are leaving 

maria.carey: it's been real fucking weird

angel: bye

a.hamslice: Hugh and Hank are worse than us

laffytaffy: HERC IS STILL CARRYING JOHN AROUND BUT I THINK JOHN HAS ANOTHER PROBLEM LMAO

deartheo: PEGGYS NOSE SHOULD BE HURTING BY NOW BC THEY FUCKING DID IT AGAIN WITH THE LEMONADE

margaritaville: THE DOGGO SQUAD IS LEAVING FOREVER GOODBYE

dolls.maddy: YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU

margaritaville: ;))))))

dolls.maddy has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

deartheo has added dolls.maddy to the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.burr: this is a mess

laffytaffy: you mean a Hot Mess™

a.burr: leave

Martha.D.C.W: I leave the chat for one hot minute AND YALL SET THE WORLD ON FIRE

burnbetsey: HELP ME MO M

 

.

a.burr has entered the group chat

a.burr: okay I love these fools but this is exhausting tbh

jmadisin: it's exhausting to read tbh

jefferoni.n.cheese: you're in over your head tbh

a.burr: I bet you were when you hate fucked ham too

jefferoni.n.cheese has left the group chat

jmadisin: welp

jmadisin has added jefferoni.n.cheese to the group chat

a.burr: something gay is going down gotta run

jmadisin: use protection!!

 

.

a.burr has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

merculeshulligan: our house is clear of everyone

johnlawn: I love y'all but also you should have let me beat him up

burnbetsey: I'll top Herc into oblivion if it'll make you feel better

merculeshulligan: wait what

johnlawn: PLEASE

angel has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.burr: can I watch

a.hamslice: you can do more than just watch

maria.carey, deartheo, margaritaville, dolls.maddy, jmadisin, and Martha.D.C.W have left the Hot Mess™ Squad

laffytaffy: what are we waiting for??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is like so surreal to see the authors of some of my fave fics like and bookmark my fic??? It's so surreal that anybody likes this fic??? Like y'all are keeping me going I'm so emo honestly thank you so much <3<3
> 
> Next Chapter: Decisions, Decisions


	18. It Memes A Lot To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said I'd be updating regularly, haha sorry.

laffytaffy has added a.burr, a.hamslice, burnbetsey, johnlawn, and merculeshulligan to the group chat

laffytaffy has renamed the group chat "PolySquad"

a.burr: I've been wanting to make a separate chat for a while now thank you

johnlawn: lmao watch us never use this chat again

merculeshulligan: tru

laffytaffy: anyways,,,

laffytaffy: I was tipped off by George that today Martha is gonna ask us about the campaign again

johnlawn: shit 

burnbetsey: well we have to decide

a.burr: I honestly don't think it's that bad of an idea

a.burr: the four of us will be making money and it's not like we'll be struggling???

johnlawn: that's true but I'm more worried about being away from Betsey and Herc for so long

a.hamslice: I don't think I could do it

burnbetsey: I'm not willing to give up my job and I don't think Herc is either?? 

merculeshulligan: I'm not giving up the boutique 

merculeshulligan: but there's always skype and god knows we're always on our phones

burnbetsey: you're right but still

a.hamslice: I love you all and we'll get through this together

laffytaffy: we love you too

 

.

 

G.Washihgton has sent a private message to merculeshulligan

G.Washington: Hercules, please come pick up Alex.

merculeshulligan: Sir?

G.Washington: He refused to tell me how many hour he slept then slammed his face on my door trying to leave my office. Alex passed out immediately and I need you to pick him up.

merculeshulligan: Oh my go d. I'm on my way, sir. 

G.Washington: Thank you, son.

merculeshulligan: Btw do you have any pictures of him sleeping??

G.Washington: Do you want some?

 

.

 

merculeshulligan has added angel, margaritaville, maria.carey, deartheo, jmadisin, and Martha.D.C.W to the Hot Mess™ Squad

merculeshulligan: Schuyler squad minus Eliza I'll be a little late bc Alex is a dumbass

angel: what he do now

jmadisin: knocked himself tf out

johnlawn: I love him but,,,

laffytaffy: I feel it

merculeshulligan: he's in the back of my car bc Gwash wanted me to take him home

merculeshulligan: waiting on DQ at the moment so don't freak out at me

merculeshulligan: also I have pictures

burnbetsey: SEND THEM

merculeshulligan sent pictures sleepingbaby.jpeg, awwww.jpeg, and finallyagoodsleep.jpeg to the Hot Mess™ Squad

merculeshulligan: these were all taken by gwash so credit to him

johnlawn: our father

laffytaffy: our daddy

Martha.D.C.W has removed laffytaffy from the Hot Mess™ Squad

margaritaville: they deserved it tbh

deartheo: SCREAMS

Martha.D.C.W has added laffytaffy to the Hot Mess™ Squad

laffytaffy: I'm sorry, mom. I don't know what overcame me. That was sinful.

maria.carey: this gc is like watching a train wreck

maria.carey: you can't look away

johnlawn: um :))))) sweaty :))))

burnbetsey: okay but 

burnbetsey: she's right

a.burr: doesn't mean she should expose us like this

deartheo: I'll expose you Aaron

a.burr: I feel like I should be worried but also I don't think you have anything against me

deartheo: hold on let me get my receipts

dolls.maddy: omg she opened the notes app to a note actually called "receipts"

deartheo: during college, on New Year's Eve you were smashed and admitted to me that you'd like to sit on Hamilton's face

a.burr: I have no recollection of that

deartheo: CAUSE YOU WERE SMASHED

johnlawn: same tbh

deartheo: later that year you saw Laf wearing a sexy costume for Halloween and you held your breath so long you passed out

a.burr: that ones justifiable have YOU SEEN THEM

burnbetsey: rt

johnlawn: rt

angel: rt

jmadisin: rt

maria.carey: rt

dolls.maddy: rt

laffytaffy: OMG I LOVE YOU ALL THANK YOU

deartheo: anyways,,,

deartheo: while studying abroad you spent over $40 on a coconut

margaritaville: ME OMG

deartheo: after trying the Mac n cheese Jefferson made you, you threw it up in his potted house plant

jmadisin: #relatable

jmadisin: aaron burr the problematic fave

johnlawn: when we cuddle he tries to steal all the blankets

a.burr: you are always warm?? you are the sun??? why do you think my last name is an onamonapia???

burnbetsey: OMG TRUE JOHN YOU LITERALLY ARE A FURNACE WTF

laffytaffy: Aaron always makes me give him piggy back rides when he isn't feeling good

a.burr: because you love me??

laffytaffy: okay you're right and I love you but you're so small and handsome and I love you a lot

margaritaville: sometimes I hate how gay this chat is

deartheo: you're dating two girls

margaritaville: don't @ me like this I like you a lot

dolls.maddy: awwwww babe

merculeshulligan: OKAY IM HERE

merculeshulligan: SOMEONE OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE

maria.carey: MY HEART

jmadisin: ???

angel: HERCULES JUST FUCKIG WALKS IN SO CAREFUL CARRYING ALEX BRIDAL STYLE AND I???

margaritaville: THE BRIDES ARE IN TEARS

johnlawn: God I love those fools so much

margaritaville: Alex is lying in my lap and is so peaceful and I have emotions???

margaritaville: tbh what if I just smacked his forehead

laffytaffy: dO NOT

margaritaville: MY SISTER IS LOOKING SO BEAUTIFUL IN HER WEDDING GOWN AND IM HAVING EMOTIONS

margaritaville has sent pictures angelWERK.jpeg, angelandmaria.jpeg, and <3<3.jpeg to the Hot Mess™ Squad

burnbetsey: I SHOULDNT BE CRYING RN

burnbetsey: MY KINDERGARTENERS ARE WORRIED

Martha.D.C.W: mY CHILDREN ARE ALL GROWN UP :,)))

angel: MOM

maria.carey: mOM

a.hamslice: I WAKE UP AND PEGGY IS SOBBING OVER ME THEN IMMEDIATELY I START CRYING TOO WHAT IS LIFE 

a.hamslice: LITERAL GODDESSES

angel: okay but I want to see Peggy in their suit

margaritaville: ugh ok

merculeshulligan has sent pictures DAMNPEGGY.jpeg and BACKATITAGAINWITHTHESUITS.jpeg to the Hot Mess™ Squad

merculeshulligan: SLAY ME PEGGY

a.burr: My crops are thriving, my bank account is full, my face is clear,,,

a.hamslice: tbh im about to pass out because theY ARE MAKING IT TOO DAMN HOT IN HERE

maria.carey: THEY BOTH DABBED AT TGE SAME TIME WHY

burnbetsey: damn Alex back at it again with the smooth compliments

margaritaville: I'm gonna block you if you keep using damn daniel memes

angel: damn peggy

merculeshulligan: back at it again with the negativity

margaritaville had removed merculeshulligan, angel, and burnbetsey from the Hot Mess™ Squad

maria.carey: Herc and Angel are wrestling the phone away from them lmao

margaritaville has added angel, burnbetsey, and merculeshulligan to the Hot Mess Squad™

margaritaville: haha it's Angelica fuck you Peggy xoxo

margaritaville: haha it's Peggy fuck you angelica xoxo

margaritaville: this family is toxic smh 

a.hamslice: peggy in two texts^^^

margaritaville: watch it before I drag your nasty ass to hell Hamilton

jmadisin has added jefferoni.n.cheese to the Hot Mess™ Squad

johnlawn: why

jmadisin: he's not here to drag alex

jefferoni.n.cheese: I'm not???

jmadisin: hes here so I can drag him

jefferoni.n.cheese has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

jmadisin has added jefferoni.n.cheese to the Hot Mess™ Squad

jmadisin: so we're discussing city code or whatever and gwash walks by with out his suit jacket on and thomas

jmadisin: he just

jmadisin: stares him down and when gwash passes he whispers so quietly "daddy"

jmadisin: before picking up on the conversation right where he left off

angel: do you ever regret life decisions, bc I sure do

angel: for example, that one night I spent with Jefferson 

a.hamslice: ,,,,,,,,,,, gross

merculeshulligan: LIEK YOURW ONE TO FUCKING TALK ALEX

a.hamslice: NECER EVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I BEEN SO DISRESPECTED

a.hamslice: AND I,

johnlawn has removed a.hamslice from the group chat

burnbetsey: JONATHON

johnlawn: that's not my name

a.burr: guys

a.burr has added a.hamslice to the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.hamslice: JONATHON

johnlawn: THAT!!! IS!!! NOT!!! MY!!! NAME!!!

jefferoni.n.cheese: uh oh trouble in paradise

maria.carey: STFU THOMAS LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE

jefferoni.n.cheese: JAMES BROUGHTT ME HERE 

jefferoni.n.cheese: TO HELL

laffytaffy: I see we're living true to the gc name

Martha.D.C.W: I'm disappointed in y'all

 

.

 

Martha.D.C.W has entered the Political Bros

Martha.D.C.W: Okay 

Martha.D.C.W: I've been polling pretty well against Adams and Clinton

Martha.D.C.W: but I need to know who is with me

jmadisin: Thomas and I are still available

a.hamslice: the poly squad has been talking it over 

johnlawn: yeah we have

Martha.D.C.W: have you made a decision 

a.burr: we've decided to help the campaign

laffytaffy: even if that means traveling with you 

Martha.D.C.W: I can't tell you how much this means to me

a.hamslice: memes* to you

Martha.D.C.W: yes thank you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been having a rough time with writers block and other stuff so I might not be updating very often but I do plan on finishing this?? Thanks to everyone who's commented and supported this!!!
> 
> Next chapter: away from home


	19. Gay Antics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How to: accidentally write angst and serious stuff bc I have no self control.
> 
> Sorry.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to my gay heart, Josie!

johnlawn has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

johnlawn: are we almost ready for this party or what

Martha.D.C.W: George and I are on our way with the booze 

margaritaville: HELL YEAH HELL YEHA HELL YEA H

merculeshulligan: aLEX WHERE ARE YOU GOING

a.hamslice: THERES A PIKACHU DOWN THE ROAD

burnbetsey: O SHIT WAIT UP

a.hamslice: NEVER

laffytaffy: team valor for life 

johnlawn: rt

Martha.D.C.W: rt

deartheo: rt

maria.carey: rt

a.hamslice: fuck all of you

a.hamslice: none of you have the Class or Wisdom or Style that team Mystic has

a.hamslice: #teamMystic

angel: RT!!!

jmadisin: rt

jefferoni.n.cheese: rt

a.hamslice: ew I can't believe on the same team as Jefferson 

angel: rt

margaritaville: okay but who's on the #MemeTeam

margaritaville: instinct is better tbh

burnbetsey: rt

merculeshulligan: rt

a.burr: rt

dolls.maddy: rt

Martha.D.C.W: George said RT

Martha.D.C.W: we're here btw

burnbetsey: FUCK YOU ALEX I CAUGHT IT 563 CP

a.hamslice: ARE YOU FUCKIG KIDDING ME IVE WASTED LIKE 20 POKEBALLS

deartheo: lmao so much for team mystic being the best

a.hamslice: FUVK YOU

johnlawn: awww hes pouting 

laffytaffy: are y'all ready to get

laffytaffy: how you say

laffytaffy: fuck't

maria.carey: FUCK'T LMAO

deartheo: are you telling me that youre assimilated enough to use y'all but you didn't know how to say fuck't

laffytaffy has removed deartheo from the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.burr: Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette

laffytaffy: sTOP OMG

a.burr has added deartheo to the Hot Mess™ Squad

deartheo: lISTEN HERE YOU PUNK

margaritaville: that was very graceful

Martha.D.C.W: tag yourself I'm Theo hopping out of the car as soon as it stops

a.hamslice: I'm Laf's screech

maria.carey: I'm theo

angel: I'm Laf

a.burr: Im the car

Martha.D.C.W has added G.Washington to the Hot Mess™ Squad

G.Washington: I'm this alcohol.

G.Washington: If y'all don't come get some, it'll be gone soon.

johnlawn: I AM SCRESM

jmadisin: never in my life has I ever thought I would be in a group chat with my boss where he'd threaten to get drunk

G.Washington: Well, you're about to see the first woman president, so you better believe it.

merculeshulligan: get fuck't madison

jmadisin has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

G.Washington: lmao

dolls.maddy: this is so surreal

johnlawn: maria come do these Jell-O shots with me

maria.carey: O SHIT WHAADDUP

 

.

 

johnlawn: y'all

johnlawn: y'alls

johnlawn: i have smoethigns to sya 

burnbetsey: oc babe!!!

johnlawn: dicks out fro harambe

deartheo: word

Martha.D.C.W: I Think that will be my new campaign slogan

G.Washington: RT

a.hamslice: :(((((

a.hamslice: who spilled kool aide all over the kitchen

a.hamslice: it is 

a.hamslice: everywhere

a.hamslice: whoever done it will have to pay me $20 and clean it up because it is as though a sea of blood has washed over our home. it takes everything with it. no one goes untouched by the sticky tidal wave. it has consumed my family. my children. my life. there is no escape.

merculeshulligan: BBAE

merculeshulligan: ABBE

merculeshulligan: BABE

a.hamslice: it's all over my sock :((((

Martha.D.C.W: Okay but who wants to come watch me try and take more shots then Peggy

margaritaville: SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHO

angel: Noah fence,,, Ms President but,,,

angel: you gun lose

burnbetsey: they!!! don't fool around when it comes to alcohol!!

angel: rt

dolls.maddy: lmao

laffytaffy: OKAY BUT WHY IS JEFFERON

laffytaffy: JEFFERONI

laffytaffy: FUCK

laffytaffy: JEFFERSONG DOING BODY SHOTS OFF OF ALEX

a.burr: !!!!!!! waht?.!!!

a.burr: HE DAER

a.burr: DAREE

jmadisin: WHERE

a.hamslice: STFU IVLITERALLY SAW HERC AND JAMES LOCK ARMS AND DO SHOTS

G.Washington: rip this chat in the morning lmao

G.Washington: I'm going to bed

 

.

 

merculeshulligan: does anyone have ibuprofen 

angel: I have some but I'm not willing to get up

merculeshulligan: FUCK

johnlawn: caps hurt :(((((

a.hamslice: im dead 

a.hamslice: there is no way i am living

a.hamslice: the pain is unbearable i must be in hell

margaritaville: oh look

margaritaville: ham has reverted back to being a baby

jefferoni.n.cheese: compared to how much he normal whines and cries

jefferoni.n.cheese: he's already a baby

deartheo: WHY WAS THERE A SCRWAM

jmadisin: THOMAS FUCKING DABBED AND HIT ME IN THE FACE

jefferoni.n.cheese: BABE IM SO SORRY

jmadisin: DIVORCED

jefferoni.n.cheese: BABE

johnlawn: :,(((((((((((

Martha.D.C.W: lmao y'all get what you deserve

laffytaffy: scorned by my own mother,,,

deartheo: the bickering has stopped,,,

a.burr: if they're doing things in my house

a.burr: they better not

G.Washington: I am back and I've got painkillers and lots of water. I'm gonna make pancakes too. 

maria.carey: thank you, in the name of our lord and savior, George Washington, amen

a.hamslice: hOLY SHIT

burnbetsey: ????¿????¿?

a.hamslice: I JUT REMEMBERED SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

.

 

Martha.D.C.W has sent a private message to a.hamslice

Martha.D.C.W: don't you dare tell them because I'll murder you

 

.

 

a.hamslice has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.hamslice: wait nvm it was just part of a dream

G.Washington: pancakes are ready

dolls.maddy: !!!!

a.burr: where's theo

deartheo: right here

a.burr: no the cat

laffytaffy: she's not in the bedroom

dolls.maddy: or the living room

Martha.D.C.W: no luck in the kitchen

burnbetsey: I'll check the spare room

johnlawn: I've got the bathroom

margaritaville: she's not out in the garden or backyard

burnbetsey: no luck

johnlawn: same here

a.hamslice: I checked out closet and the spares but she's not there

a.burr: fuck fuck fuck 

a.burr: what if she got out????

a.burr: I have to find her

a.hamslice: AARON WAIT

angel: Laf just rushed out after him

merculeshulligan: where are they going???

a.hamslice: WE HAVE TO GO AFTER THEM

 

.

 

deartheo: where did everyone go???

a.hamslice: me and john are at the nearby park

angel: we are checking at the nearby shopping plaza

jmadisin: Thomas Washington and I are swinging by the office

margaritaville: Martha and I are double checking the house

merculeshulligan: Eliza and I are walking the block

laffytaffy: I'm with Aaron a couple blocks away

laffytaffy: he's crying and he won't move 

laffytaffy: hold on someone's approaching

a.hamslice: Aaron?

a.hamslice: Lafayette??

burnbetsey: it's been 15 minutes someone please answer

a.burr: someone needs to come pick us up

a.burr: like immediately

a.burr: I can't really carry them so we're sitting on the curb rn

merculeshulligan: I'll get the car

johnlawn: WHAT HAPPENED ARE YALL ALRIGHT

a.burr: Laf says their alright but we both probably have bruised ribs 

angel: WHAT HAPPENED

a.burr: James Reynolds happened

maria.carey: OH NO WHAT DID HE DO ILL KILL HIM

angel: maria you're not going anywhere near him

angel: I, on the other hand, have no qualms about tearing his body apart

a.burr: idk he saw us and started screaming at us and calling us tr*nnies and he punched Laf and Laf punched him back and they fought and I wouldn't just let him attack my datemate and so now here we are

deartheo: Is he gone??? Are you safe??? 

a.burr: he left after he got pretty fucked up

burnbetsey: we see you almost there

deartheo: he dare fuck with my qpp and his datemate

dolls.maddy: we're going to have to murder him

Martha.D.C.W: get them to the hospital first and we'll get the authorities

G.Washington: We'll take care of it.

a.burr: thank you 

margaritaville: I got some good news

margaritaville: or maybe bad news idk

margaritaville: but we found your cat

a.burr: where??

margaritaville: in the the study

a.burr has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

 

.

 

a.burr has entered the Political Bros

a.burr: @john and Alex do you have our things packed

johnlawn: yeah I even packed you that really cute button up

a.burr: babe

laffytaffy: did you pack that one shirt for me

johnlawn: of course

a.hamslice: who do you think we are

laffytaffy: cuties

a.burr: ^^

a.burr: we're checking out now

jefferoni.n.cheese: can y'all like,,, move to a different chat

jmadisin: please

 

.

 

a.hamslice has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.hamslice: @thomas fuck off

 

.

 

a.hamslice has entered Political Bros

a.hamslice: happy??

Martha.D.C.W: if y'all are dicking around instead of getting ready for your flight

a.hamslice, johnlawn, laffytaffy, a.burr, jmadisin, and jefferoni.n.cheese have left Political Bros

Martha.D.C.W: are y'all fucking with me

 

.

 

johnlawn has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

johnlawn has added a.burr to the Hot Mess™ Squad

maria.carey: I'm actually gonna miss like the y'all like??? I'm Not Going Yo Be Able To Do Jell-O Shots With John

johnlawn: HELL YEAH HELL YEAH

angel: since when do you do Jell-O shots with John

maria.carey and johnlawn have left the Hot Mess™ Squad

angel has added maria.carey and johnlawn to the Hot Mess™ Squad

dolls.maddy: the life of the party will be gone

burnbetsey: you say that but you forget that Hercules literally gave lap dances like a week ago while drunk

deartheo: tru

merculeshulligan: babe I love you so much

a.hamslice: literally it's so true

a.hamslice: like herc always brightens the room??? I'm gonna miss him so much???

a.hamslice: and BETSEY IS SO AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND IM JUST GONNA MISS YALL SO MUCH

laffytaffy: ALEX YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY

a.hamslice: YOURE ALREADY CRYIGG

deartheo: y'all make me sad

a.burr: we're making ourselves sad

Martha.D.C.W: children

 

. 

 

Martha.D.C.W has entered the Political Bros

Martha.D.C.W has added a.hamslice, johnlawn, laffytaffy, a.burr, jmadisin, and jefferoni.n.cheese

Martha.D.C.W: okay I have some rules for road

a.hamslice: oh no

Martha.D.C.W: oh yES

Martha.D.C.W: 1)

Martha.D.C.W: no doing anything embarrassing or illegal

jmadisin: that sounds like a given

Martha.D.C.W: don't test me boi

jmadisin: sorry

Martha.D.C.W: 2)

Martha.D.C.W: no having sex

a.hamslice: I'm sorry but I have to leave this campaign???

a.hamslice: immediately???

Martha.D.C.W: addendum: no sex in places where you will get caught, only in hotel rooms

laffytaffy: but Aaron has never been in the mile high club tho

a.burr: first of all don't speak for me

a.burr: second of all yes I have 

Martha.D.C.W: first place we're going is a church so y'all can repent and I will pray for you

jefferoni.n.cheese: DEAD

Martha.D.C.W: BOI

Martha.D.C.W: I repeat

Martha.D.C.W: No Sex In Place You Will Get Caught, Only In Hotel Rooms

Martha.D.C.W: 3)

Martha.D.C.W: we are going to run a tight campaign, strike the hearts of the people

Martha.D.C.W: Alex you better be on you're writing A game

a.hamslice: of course

Martha.D.C.W: when y'all get here stay together and I'll give you your tickets

jefferoni.n.cheese: I thought we were flying in your private jet

Martha.D.C.W: I don't have a private jet

jefferoni.n.cheese: boo

Martha.D.C.W: we're flying first class

a.hamslice: this will probably be the only chance in my life I will ever have to fly first class

johnlawn: babe

a.hamslice: IM NOT SAD

a.hamslice: JUST LOOK HOW FAR IVE COME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK HOW FAR IVE COME INDEED
> 
> That took longer than expected tbh, and I'm really sorry for that. Idk how much time I'll have of recent but I'm try to update as much as possible.
> 
> Next chapter: ??¿??


	20. Boy P*ssy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've raised from the dead. I guess you can call me a ghost writer now. *badum tss*

Martha.D.C.W has sent a private message to margaritaville

Martha.D.C.W: I'd like to offer you a job. Would you like one?

margaritaville: fuck yeah

 

.

 

burnbetsey has entered the PolySquad

burnbetsey: I want to skype when y'all get to the hotel

laffytaffy: we're almost there but all three of them are asleep :/

merculeshulligan: have John carry Alex or Aaron

laffytaffy: was planning on it

burnbetsey: tbh johns cute when he's grumpy and sleepy

laffytaffy: !!!! IKR !!!!

johnlawn: I awake to Laf softly sobbing into my hair

johnlawn: YALL NEED TO STOP

laffytaffy: ,,,,

laffytaffy: he's grumpy now

johnlawn: I'm going to punch you in the lips with my lips v hard

laffytaffy: don't, you'll wake the bbs

johnlawn: ughhhhhhhhhhhh

merculeshulligan: I love this cat but also it will not leave me alone???

laffytaffy: she never comes near me and idk why

johnlawn: sad

burnbetsey: babe

johnlawn: we're pulling up to the hotel so we can skype soon!!!!

 

.

 

a.burr has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.burr: I love John but

a.burr: I want a divorce

johnlawn: BABE

johnlawn: IM SORRY

margaritaville: LMAO WHAT NOW

a.burr: so John is like,,, let's listen to some music!!!

a.burr: and were like okay

a.burr: bc we Love him and Trust him,,,

a.burr: But I Am Betrayed

a.burr: As Country Music Begins To Play

deartheo: N OOOOOOO

johnlawn: L ISTE N

a.hamslice: I have escaped hell

jefferoni.n.cheese: I leave my room to see Alex fucking naruto run past my room???

jefferoni.n.cheese: what kind of hell have I signed up for??

 

.

 

Martha.D.C.W has entered the Political Bros

Martha.D.C.W: Alex do you have this speech written.

a.hamslice: ye

Martha.D.C.W: THEN WHERE ARE YOU

a.hamslice: ummm

a.hamslice: be right there?

.

a.hamslice has entered the PolySquad

a.hamslice: BURR AND I WERE DEFINITELY NOT MAKING OUT IN THE COAT CLOSET

johnlawn: ALEXANDER

johnlawn: AARON

laffytaffy: idk why you're so scandalized jonathan

laffytaffy: we made out in the meeting room yesterday and almost got caught

johnlawn: tru,,,

a.burr: Alex is telling the truth. We didn't make out.

a.burr: We did oral.

merculeshulligan: please never use the phrase “did oral” ever again 

burnbetsey: I'm transported back to high school when Peggy asked me if “doing oral” was practicing a speech

burnbetsey: I miss those days bc now they're a monster

 

.

 

a.hamslice has entered the Political Bros

a.hamslice has added G.Washington to the Political Bros

a.hamslice: Now that you're going to beat George Clinton and win the nomination by a landslide, we should work on taking down Adams.

Martha.D.C.W: The battle’s not won yet.

G.Washington: But we still need to have the war in mind.

Martha.D.C.W: Jefferson and Alex kick up the dirt. Follow the money and see where it goes.

 

.

 

burnbetsey has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

burnbetsey: Angelica

angel: what, sister dearest

burnbetsey: remember when Peggy wasn't terrible

margaritaville: this seems like an attack on my personal image

margaritaville: bc I have always been Perfect™

jmadisin: that statement seems false but okay

burnbetsey: for their senior prank they put not one

burnbetsey: but THREE of the teachers’ cars in the gym

johnlawn: bitch how

margaritaville: a good magician never reveals their secrets

a.burr: that's seems like bull

angel: the first day of orientation for their freshman year of college they bought a hundred dollars worth of eggs and put them all in the RA’s room

margaritaville: lmao you should've seen the look on her face

burnbetsey: oh!

burnbetsey: remember when they coldcocked that guy

margaritaville: that's not fair, he tried to touch my hair

angel: okay tru

jefferoni.n.cheese: hate to interrupt a family bonding moment but have y'all seen Martha’s twitter recently??

burnbetsey: yeah, it's been straight up crazy

angel: *gay up crazy

burnbetsey: you're right, sorry

burnbetsey: gay up crazy

jmadisin: didn't she retweet a pic of George Clinton photoshopped with his face on a donkey

jefferoni.n.cheese: and then the Arthur fist one too

laffytaffy: “when the opposition wants to take away a woman’s right to choose”

johnlawn: scrolling thru her twitter has me Wheezing

deartheo: her instagram gives me life tho

merculeshulligan: I know Martha and Gwash are QPPs but their one beach photo is what gives my life meaning

laffytaffy: for real tho

johnlawn: candid goals

a.hamslice: only one more week to nominations

merculeshulligan: holy shit it's that close already??

a.burr: hard to believe right

dolls.maddy: lmao Theo has bought wine for the occasion and we're going to get hammered

deartheo: we have a lot to celebrate

dolls.maddy: martha’s coming nomination

burnbetsey: angelica and maria’s wedding

maria.carey: gracias ;)

deartheo: peggy’s swanky new job

angel: Peggy got a new job??

dolls.maddy: they didn't tell you??

 

.

 

margaritaville has entered the TheMarDoll Squad

margaritaville has named the group chat “Doggo Squad”

margaritaville: first order of business

dolls.maddy: WILL YOU EVER LET THAT DIE

deartheo: definitely not

margaritaville: second order of business

margaritaville: DO NOT YOU DARE TELL THEM

dolls.maddy: yKNOW WHAT

 

.

 

dolls.maddy has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

angel: no wth

margaritaville: DO NOT

dolls.maddy: they got a nice cozy job that brings in the bank

dolls.maddy: running Martha’s social media 

burnbetsey: what

angel: WHAT

margaritaville has removed dolls.maddy from the Hot Mess™ Squad

margaritaville has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

angel has added margaritaville and dolls.maddy to the Hot Mess™ Squad

dolls.maddy: oKAY WHAT THE FUKC

margaritaville has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

dolls.maddy has added margaritaville to the Hot Mess™ Squad

margaritaville has left the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.hamslice: lmao let them have a tantrum

dolls.maddy: fine.

jmadisin: anyway,,

jefferoni.n.cheese: I think I just nutted

a.hamslice: WHAT THE FUC

jefferoni.n.cheese: WAIT FUKC

jefferoni.n.cheese: NO NOT THAT WAY

jefferoni.n.cheese: GWASH CAME IN WITH BLACK CHERRY ICE CREAM

a.burr: unfriended

a.burr: blocked

jefferoni.n.cheese: honestly if you don't like it we prob shouldn't be friends

a.burr: Blocked™

jmadisin: if that's how you feel Thomas,,,

jefferoni.n.cheese: ET TU JAMES

a.hamslice: I hate to agree with jefferson but

a.burr: DIVORCED

a.hamslice: BABE

a.burr has removed a.hamslice from the Hot Mess™ Squad

burnbetsey had added a.hamslice to the Hot Mess™ Squad

a.hamslice: I bet you don't like thin mints either

merculeshulligan: man miss me with that weak shit

burnbetsey: I audibly gasped bc I am betrayed 

merculeshulligan: FITE ME BABE

deartheo: Eliza would win

merculeshulligan: you right

 

.

 

a.hamslice has entered the Political Bros

a.hamslice: Martha we have to talk in person

jefferoni.n.cheese: we gotta spill the tea

Martha.D.C.W: conference room in 10

 

.

 

deartheo has entered the Hot Mess™ Squad

deartheo: who's hype

johnlawn: for what

deartheo: life, yknow? like in general

maria.carey: I'm so fuckinn hype for the wedding

angel: ^^^^ !!!!

laffytaffy: I'm hype for Martha to be president

burnbetsey: ^^^^^

a.hamslice: I'm hype to never hear the term “boy pussy” ever again bc I'm divorcing john

johnlawn: I plead the fifth

angel: why do y'all always have to ruin this wholesome family chat with your shameful, dirty sex stuff

angel: smh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being afk for so long im try to finish this this summer and post other finished shit


End file.
